how to love singles

Beth as a single 2yr. old

You care about the singles in your life. 
You really do. 

But how does one go about showing that love? 

While each single is going to be a bit different on these, here's a few pointers from my own life and several of my single friends: 

1. Do put your love into words. 

Put it into words and tell them by text, email, sky writing...but at the very least, face to face. And want to really communicate care for singles? Tell them why you love them. Details are the ice cream cones and french fries of love. 

2. Don't put your love into how-to-get-un-single words every time you speak.

It's easy to think this is an awesome way to show love. But most often it communicates a disapproval of or dissatisfaction with a single's life. if every time marrieds speak to singles the topic is marriage, matchmaking, and making families, it may not be showing the loving care they think it is. 

3. Do find ways other than babysitting to fit them into your life. 

An occasional babysitting date does as much good for singles as it does for marrieds. BUT if the only time you were approached by someone was so they could ask you to come to their home for several hours to do something that was hard work and loads of responsibility and they weren't going to be there...

Consider these other ways to fit singles into your (crazy, hectic, meeting-constant-needs, every-moment-filled, to-do-list-a-mile-long) life:

• Having a movie/pizza night with your kiddos? Consider inviting a single or two to join. 
• Got a special Saturday project you're working on? Invite a single to participate in that chaos. 
• Family day trip and an extra seat in your car/van? You get the idea. 

Also, realize that singles will be most comfortable doing something with just you. This may seem impossible to you right now. But make it a goal! Nothing says "I value you" more than one-on-one time. 

4.  Don't be derailed by a "no." 

One family I know continually invites me to join them in awesome activities. I'm not often able to say yes. But guess what. They keep on asking!!! And they have shown a very beautiful love to me simply by continuing to ask. Don't be turned away if a single can't join every time. Keep it up! That alone shows how much you care. 

5. Do ask thoughtful questions about singles' daily life, pressures, joys etc. 

Then settle in to listen. And if they clam up (as I often do) keep asking regularly. Singles will open up as they see you really do want to know. And as hard as it is for marrieds to be "all ears" as their family swirls around them, nothing's going to communicate your love and respect for us like asking and listening closely. 

6. Don't exclude them from life in the club.

There's this club, you see. And it's AWESOME. But the people inside it can carry tremendous burdens, needs for prayer, and daily struggles just living life. 

Welcome to Club Parenthood.

But singles don't want to just lounge outside this club sipping their frapps and shootin' the breeze. Nor do they want stare smoosh-nosed through the glass as parents bustle about inside. They want to be alongside you. 

We know you draw tremendous support from friendships with other members. But perhaps we could offer a cup of cold water when the going gets tough. Or maybe just by our listening ears, wide eyes, and promises of prayer we can ease the burdens of this club. The work of this club is so very important. Dear friends, let us in. You will benefit and we will feel loved. 

7. Do praise them for genuine accomplishments.

They're gonna look very different from yours. 

But singles are working hard at what God has given them to do right now. Encourage them that their calling is God-given and important. And rejoice with them.

8. Don't wait until they begin the married phase to show them attention. 

Engaged/newly-weds experience a deluge of personal attention from marrieds. It's like going from 0 to 150mph in one day. Brings people out of the woodwork who may not even know your name. And suddenly you're asked out on double dates, parties, activities...that the week before you didn't even know existed. 

Unfortunately, this makes it appear like singles are not worth the noticing and including until they cross that relationship barrier. Start developing friendships with singles now. Nothing communicates our worth more. 

9. Do recognize their strange and awkward ways of trying to show you love. 

We're not too good at it. And I'll be the first at the confessional. Is there a single who seems to crash (or shyly poke) into your well-established family life, asking questions, talking, and doing unusual but somewhat helpful things? That's probably us trying to show you love. Be amused. And if you would go the extra mile and disciple us in how we can better show you love, we will love you even the more for it. 

Beth 

Valentine Schmalentine

Don't have a valentine this year?

Think positive.

1. You don't have to worry about the number of chocolates you stuff in your mouth at one time (or the resulting volcanic eruption on your face) because no one is staring googly-eyed at you. 

2. You don't need to pretend to be happy for a poorly chosen bouquet of...a 1/2 dozen red carnations with generic greenery. 

3. You have no unrealistic expectations. 

4. You can put what you would be spending on a personalized gift into your savings account (woohoo). Or better yet, use it to fund the amount of kleenex you will need on the 14th. 

5. No feelings of anxiety to match or exceed the secret surprise your significant other is planning. (oh...you got me a mercedes? well, (ahem) I got you a bag of skittles--insert nervous laughter and eye contact avoidance--) 

6. If this Saturday sneaks up on you unawares...no harm, no foul. 
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Ok, so maybe these points really don't help. But the reality is, most every single-and-not-currently-dating person has some kind of battle plan to get them through this mushiest of all mush-mush days. 

Some find peace in blending the perfect snarky comment and pouring it all over social media. Others find hibernating in their home alone in the dark and watching I Love Lucy to do the trick. Still others may be so brave as to EAT OUT ALONE. And some find comfort in setting aside the day to reflect on God's personal, powerful love for them. But whatever your battle plan for this Saturday happens to be, do remember these four simple guidelines:

1. Be kind.  

Really. If you find the need for snarky cannot be squelched, use it sparingly and make yourself the brunt of it. BE KIND in your comments and conduct around those who celebrate this day with someone special. It's Biblical. 

2. Don't compare. 

Want to stay off the struggle bus this 14th? This point's really gonna help. Don't compare what you and your friends-with-significant-others have on this day. It will only lead to discontent and anxiety. And we all know what our Bibles say about those. 

3. Rejoice with those who rejoice. 

Human love is a beautiful thing. And many of us singles will watch friends and dear ones rejoice over it in just a few days. Decide now that with God's help you will rejoice along side them. Take some time this Saturday to thank God for your married or dating friends. And as you bring them before God's throne, pray for them as well. Though beautiful, human love on a fallen planet is... well... fallen. They need prayer. 

4. Don't forget the one thing that you need. 

See the valentine at the top of this post? It was given to me by my Dad many moons ago. I'm not sure how he chose the words to write in his small, scratchy printing, but I DO know it began the theme of every written or spoken counsel he's given me since: remember that your relationship with God is the one needful thing.

I think of this often when confronted with holidays, events, and situations that I know are going to be difficult because I'm single. I think, "Beth, are you acting like the most important thing is your walk with God? Is that what you are most concerned about, or is it how you will come across, when the heartache will come, if the situation is going to get really awkward etc." 

Friends, only one thing is truly needful this Saturday. And it looks a lot like sitting at the feet of Christ. A lot like listening to His voice through His Word. A lot like communing with Him in prayer. Don't forget this thing. Christ Himself said it's the most needful of all of earth's needs. 

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So what's my battle plan? As one of my favorite authors says: that's for me to know and you to find out. But rest assured, whatever it is, by God's grace, I want it to be governed by the four points above. 

Beth

"but I have..." (marriage vs. singleness)

Sometimes I hear this from singles: "Well, they may have a spouse, but I have Christ." 

And I hear this from marrieds:  "Oh honey, Christ is good but wait til you're married!"

But can having Christ and having a spouse be compared like that? Here's some thoughts:

From a spiritual perspective, I have Christ.

And He is all I need and I am complete in Him (Col. 2:10). Since this is true of all believers, let's call it a foundation. There is no lack of any good thing in this foundation (Ps. 84:11). God has given each of His children everything they need for life and godliness in it (2 Pet. 1:3). 

From a physical perspective, I may be married or single. 

Each have benefits. Each have joy, life wisdom, securities, and pleasures that are unique to them. BUT the physical doesn't add to a foundation that was lacking. Nor does it decrease or increase the spiritual foundation. Someone is not more/less spiritual because they are married or single. In all history God has used and blessed both.

Here's a visual:    Physical reality: married or single
                          Spiritual foundation: God's child 

I know it's going to be hard to pull yourself away from the technical brilliance of that visual but do try to read on...

So how do we respond to our physical reality? 

1. Accept it as from God's hand.

Does today find you single or married? God did that. And if God did it, it's good. And it's for His glory. He does what He pleases in Earth and Heaven. Relax into it. 

2. Do not compare ourselves to others.

Comparison between marrieds and singles happens all the time. And it usually generates pride or jealousy. I Corinthians warns that those who compare are not wise. Find the way of escape and avoid this temptation. 

3. Do become skillful in using our physical reality for God's glory.

As a single, am I growing in "caring for the things of the Lord?"  How am I training the benefits of singleness towards glorifying God? As a married, how am I training my marriage, my family, my everyday caring-for-the-home chores to bring the most glory to God? 


And how do we respond to our spiritual foundation?

Jeremiah says, "let him that glorieth, glory in this: That He understands and knows me..." And Paul repeats that command in 1 Cor 1. MANY more scriptures could be listed here. Challenging me to treasure Christ and glory in my life in Him above all else. 

And here's what glorying looks like (from personal experience)

1. Sitting in the kitchen of a talented missionary wife, mother of five gifted children, helper in a vibrant ministry...and her (with spatula in hand) choosing to share spiritual lessons so dear to her heart that both of us can't help but rejoice over God's loving kindness to us.

2. Sipping a steaming cup of tea with a highly successful, professional single woman whose gifts have been lauded by large audiences across the world and her choosing to detail for me how God has made Himself real to her recently. Leaving us both refreshed and motivated to walk closer with Him. 

3. Munching on Japanese take-out with a recent widow and hearing her recount her new-found opportunities to minister in a children's Bible Club, disciple several young women, and open her home to young families. A living, breathing example of someone growing skillful in using their physical reality for God's glory. 

4. Listening to a young dad, with all the pressures, titles, and accomplishments of his crazy life, choose to give such powerful testimony of what he's learning in God's Word that we all can't wait to get home and open our own Bibles again. 
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What a beautiful exchange it would be if we replaced inaccurate and hurtful "but I have" comparison with "look what we have" delight. 

Friends, let's glory in Christ.

Beth

Fear Not

FEAR. 

This month I've wrestled with that ugly monster more than I care to admit. So, before I take up the 'single' subject again, I'd like to share with you the Scripture and lessons I'm learning through this battle.

Note: sometimes spiritual lessons won't stop banging around inside me until I squeeze them into rhyme and meter. Thus the poem at the end.

May it encourage and challenge you as you fight your own fears! 

Beth

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Lesson 1: I don't have to fear the personal cost of surrender. 

Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abides alone: but if it die, it brings forth much fruit. He that loves his life shall lose it; and he that hates his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal. Jn 12

Lesson 2: I don't have to fear leaving those I love if it is in God's service.

Jesus answered...There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel's, But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life. Mk 10

Lesson 3: I don't have to fear the increasing evil of this world. (Amen?)

And there shall be no night there; and they need no candle, neither light of the sun; for the Lord God giveth them light: and they shall reign for ever and ever. And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. Rev. 21

Lesson 4: I don't have to fear death. Whether it's my own or that of a loved one. 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Ps. 23

O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Death is swallowed up in victory. 1 Cor. 15

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Do not fear the laying down
of treasured self and earthy crown.
Surrender grows precious fruit,
And in the loss, a vict'ry found.

Do not fear the farewell made
of dearest home for Gospel's sake.
Reward sits on heaven's shore,
And hundred- fold in life repaid.

Do not fear the dimming light
of truth and good in earth's long fight.
Justice weeps but will not fail,
and in God's Sun, each wrong made right.

Do not fear the coming pause
of beating heart and human loves.
Death inflicts a harmless sting,
And through this vale, all glory dawns.

Guest Post: What I would tell my 20-something self

Today's guest blogger has often refreshed my heart by her honest and Spirit-filled words. I know she will have that same effect on you! And, (despite my loud protests) she's asked that her name be withheld. 
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Singleness took me completely by surprise. After looking to “tangible” helps I determined that God’s Word was already designed to help me in ways I don’t even understand. From a nearly 40 year vantage point: here is some advice I wish I could have offered my 20-something self.

1. When your close married friend complains bitterly to you that she gets so lonely when she has to grocery shop by herself, or your co-worker resigns from her job to get married and is congratulated about her “ministry promotion”. Please remind yourself that: The only thing that can relieve the emotional pressure is spiritual growth. Psalm 119:11 Your word I have treasured in my heart, That I may not sin against You. Psalm 116:7 Return to your rest, O my soul, For the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

2. “I was trying to get my work done,” my sister apologized, “but then I saw this boy who needed his hands kissed” she explained, as I watched my adorable 10- month old nephew coo in response. You would have to ignore the glaring obvious if you tried to believe married people do not enjoy things that God has not given to singles. It is at these moments that I remember: I must take God’s love by faith, believing the unseen, instead of counting up all the ways God has denied me joy. I John 4:16a We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us… (“come to know” is a process)

3. Once a teen girl poured out her heart as I listened sympathetically, “but, I am so lonely, I need friends, this is the only guy who has ever noticed me. I know that sneaking out of my house at night is not honoring to my parents but, I can’t help liking him.” I was able to answer with authority that God gives great grace to singles. I should know! My married friend had made no leeway with this girl. I was privileged to plead with her. God has jobs for all His children and not all of them can be accomplished by married people. I Corinthians 12:17 If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole were hearing, where would the sense of smell be?


4. “But if I buy a house I will appear too independent and if I take the promotion God is opening to me, then I might appear too capable!” Don’t forge your life plan around schemes to protect yourself. Romans 12:1 Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.

5. This point needs absolutely no explanation. Sigh. Don’t get bogged down in people’s advice on how to ensure your eligibility in marriage. Instead focus on God’s sovereignty! Psalm 135:6a Whatever the LORD pleases, He does… Daniel 4:35 All the inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, But He does according to His will in the host of heaven And among the inhabitants of earth; And no one can ward off His hand Or say to Him, 'What have You done?'

6. A dearly loved fellow single of mine humbled herself by taking her turn in the church nursery. One mom, obviously giving her every ounce of strength to raising godly children, dropped this line: “Don’t you WANT to be married???” (you selfish single you!) These situations leave you wanting to run. Don’t. Win the spiritual battle in your mind so you can be free to serve. Ephesians 6:17 And take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. I Corinthians 5:34, 35…The woman who is unmarried,… secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.

7. “My Great Aunt Gertrude got married at 98!...so, don’t lose hope!” I have heard many remarkable stories from well meaning people. Be gracious…instead: Hope for things actually promised you in His Word. I Peter 1:13b fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

Bonus: Don’t forget that women with physical and spiritual flaws get married every single day. Marriage is not won through some spiritual point system. In fact, we see several examples in Scripture where God brought a couple together through sovereignly designed circumstances…who had failures and weakness! Like: Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, Adam and Eve (that was certainly a match made in heaven), David and Michal, Hosea and Gomer (try that one on for size).

Above all: Know God and His Word to develop mature responses to singleness. Psalm 119: 128 …I esteem all your precepts concerning all things to be right;…

You might be single if...

1. Two-thirds of the crock pot meal you made on Monday is supporting its own ecosystem in your fridge on Friday. (even though you've eaten off it all week)

2. Your car contains half your worldly possessions and counting. And it's no inconvenience. 

3. You regret purchasing the bargain toilet paper at Costco when you realize the package is the actual dimensions of your bathroom. (and could be used to build a small yacht, if need be.) 

4. When dining with a family, the visual of several dishes of different foods on one table at one time makes you crumble into tears of wonder and joy. 

5. You invite your friends' children over to play and the first game is 'rake the front yard.' You do this shamelessly, and consider adding 'repaint the siding' and 'weed the landscaping' to the next play date roster. 

6. When asked "why are you_______?" and "aren't you______?" you auto-fill with 'single' and 'dating' respectively and have perfected the art of feigning deafness or insanity after the first two words. (I've found this generates mixed results but it's totally worth it.) 

7. Wedding bouquet tosses, Valentine's Day, and honeymooners are nightmare content.

8. The thought of shopping at Babies R Us makes you hyperventilate and collapse. 

9. Your recycle bin contains mostly take-out, half gallon, one serving, and pint sized containers. (except for the continent-sized cardboard box your toilet paper came in. see #3) 

10. When confronted by weirdies of the opposite gender, you do what it takes to hide your left hand (or just your ring finger but that's tricky) lest they be encouraged to pursue you by your lack of marital status. I've found the nearest armpit, clothing rack, puffy hair, or large mouth (again, kind of tricky) to be ideal for this concealing maneuver. 

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Are you laughing? Good. Now I have a confession. 

I enjoy these random experiences and situations. Really. They're unique to singleness. Unique to me. And I wrote this list the other day (much edited so you wouldn't get TOO jealous) because I needed to remember where the joy was. 

Now, before you scream HERRRRRRETIIIIIIIIC! and throw the Fundamentals of the Christian Faith at me...I realize that Christ is our joy. There is this deep, steady undercurrent of joy in my position and relationship with Him. 

BUT, there's also this day that the Lord has made. And He calls us to rejoice and be glad in it. The God who knows your frame, your downsitting and uprising, your thoughts, your words, your sense of humor...calls you to be glad. And He builds into your life experiences tailor-made to bring you joy. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. He richly supplies us with all things to enjoy. 

Dear friends, find them. 

Find those things you love about your current season. They're not there by happenstance.
Then take a step back and intentionally thank God for them. Carve out time for your own praise service recounting the ways God brings you joy in the right now. 

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Most likely, maneuvering larger-than-life-sized toilet paper packages by yourself into your home using your midget arms doesn't fill you with glee (as it strangely does for me). But whatever your season, this is a day to be rejoiced over and glad in. A day filled with joy. 

Find it and give thanks. 

Beth 

I wish I could tell marrieds...(Part 1)

"Wow. I wish I could tell marrieds this!" 

I think that once and a while. And since this is my blog, and you read it, you will be subjected to these posts as they come up. (Happy Birthday) Eventually, when my blog IQ rises, I will archive them together for easy access. But for now, here's Part 1: 
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One side of the coin:

I watched this movie last week (which I am not condoning by mentioning.) The basic plot was several Christian mothers who, worn out by constantly BEING NEEDED, plan a ladies' night out together. And, of course, the night goes hilariously wrong.

One mom I know admitted to weeping the entire time she watched this film because it was so "close to home." Others laughed uproariously for what a clear representation it is of the constant and great demands placed on them as mothers. And all sympathized with the desire to escape from being ALWAYS NEEDED. 

The other side of the coin:

(If he only had a heart...)

Recently, I was asked to hand off a small ministry for a Sunday service. This happens. Different or greater gifts are needed at times in the body of Christ. God's work is bigger than me-- and for that I'm glad.

BUT, on this occasion, I absolutely fell apart. It was like the last shred of BEING NEEDED was swiped away from me during a season when I was already feeling unnecessary as a single. And I'll admit, my reaction was not pretty.
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Do you see the contrast between the two sides?
One represents the single's longing to be needed.
One represents the married's longing to be, well, less needed. 


As far as I can tell, a parent's role is defined by how they are needed. The need for discipleship is built in. They have the love and need of a mate (however imperfect it may seem) built in. Many are dependent on them. They are naturally looked up to because of their role. And lauded publicly in the body of Christ for their positions as spouse and parent. This is good and right. 

A single's role is not so obvious. We arrive/depart as we please. No immediate time and attention constraints when in a group. But it can appear like a great vacuum to us. A vast open emptiness that we're not sure how to fill-- especially when it comes to life in the body of Christ. We think: are we needed? And is our role necessary to God's work? We're not raising families, after all.

               (A few of us in Charleston where George Washington once sat!)                

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I can't imagine the strain of constant need. Really. No. Idea. But with the other side of the coin in mind, here's what I wish I could tell marrieds: 

1. Just be aware.

That singles have no built- in "needers" in our lives. That this can be difficult for us.

2. Tell us how we are necessary to the body of Christ.

Example: A mom friend recently thanked me for a service to her family and detailed why it was such a blessing. She was implying: "We needed you!" And that pretty much made me feel like a million bucks. It's even spurred me on to more good works. Do this! Point out our value. Sometimes we don't see it. 

(needs no caption)

3. Pray for us.

This "need monster" can get out of hand. Just look at my reaction above. A single can start to allow their perception of their value to determine their feelings and actions. Of course we are as valuable to the body of Christ as mothers and fathers. God makes no distinction in the NT teaching on the church. So pray that God will give us victory as we train this 'need to be needed' to stay in its Biblical place. 

4. Share your life of "need" with us.

We want to understand it. What it's like to be constantly needed. We want to be your friend not just your babysitter in this time of life. We want to pray for you and share in your downfalls and victories. Let us in!

And both sides of the coin will benefit.

Beth