10 ways to spot a single this season

1.  Their cupboards and counters overflow with holiday goodies. Whole cakes, a dozen donuts, 5 Christmas loaves, 2 fishes…just joking. Remember, oh blessedly generous friends, we are just ONE PERSON. Unless you want us to look like we are three-in-one (which is biblical I guess….) please abstain from gifting us Brady Bunch quantities of foods and sweets this season.

2.  They’re juggling all the coats and foods of holiday party arrivals while simultaneously needing to stir the soup and pour the beverages and pointing out where the restroom is, turning the music down, and fielding questions about their home and their 4th cousin. 

Twice removed.

Y’all? Friends don’t let single friends host alone. 

3. They feel the lack of romantic love a little bit more. Is it just me or does this season bring all the feels to the surface? The music, the bundling up, the glowing lights everywhere, the Hallmark movies… Just be patient with your single friends if they suddenly have more to say about romance (their lack of it, desire for it, history of it…) during the holidays. Christmas just does that.

4. Their Christmas décor leaves a little to be desired. As in, your tree was gifted used to you 4 years ago, your ornaments are a hodgepodge of gifts from Sunday School teaching and your childhood. And your lights, well…

Seriously, it’s challenging to invest in Christmas as a single. Feels somehow wrong to do so much for just yourself. So, consider gifting Christmas-ish things to a single friend. This has happened to me several times over the years and it’s aMAZing.

5. They arrive at festivities late and leave early. There can be many reasons for this. BUT singles are generally not used to packing every waking moment with quasi-required gatherings of every circle of humanity they have ever been a part of. (and PS: they’re probably in more circles than their married counterparts) The problem is, singleness allows for a lot of control. The holidays? Do not. It’s like taking a buffalo from the solitary captivity of a small pen and tiny patch of sky and introducing it into the wild by literally dropping it onto a large herd hurtling across a vast, pot-holed prairieland. 

I lie not.

Honestly though, not everyone has a well-developed social muscle from living 24/7 with other people. Give grace to those singles who bow out before they give out.

6. Their Christmas gifts look like…Most likely, although not always, your single friend is working off of one salary, one mind, one energy level etc. There's no tag teaming this wobbly blob of yuletide shopping, wrapping, and giving. So, if you receive less than a HGTV wrapped, Texas-sized gift from them this season, bear with 'em. 

7. “For ME?” is a well-worn verbal track. I don't know, maybe this just me, but I am constantly blown away by people's thoughtfulness and generosity toward me in this season. Folks include me in their Christmas card mailing list, randomly show up at my door with something wrapped (is that not the best?), or subtly drop a gift into my purse. I find myself saying "for me?" all the time this season and feeling deeply loved.

Spoiler alert: don't get me a large cow mug this season: I just got one. A certain little may have loudly declared to her mommy, "Miss Beff, needs this!!!! She loves cows!" and gifted it early. All I can say is, now I do. Very much. 

8. They appear to stalk children. Okay, if you get the creeper vibe from someone, do NOT include them in any activity with you or your family. BUT also recognize that children make this season go round. Right? So if a single hangs around your family or subtly asks to join you for festivities, let them. They just want to see children at Christmas. Which is awesome. Invite them tree shopping, cookie decorating, Christmas movie watching, caroling, strolling downtown etc. with you and your family. And don’t be frustrated if they can’t make it. The invitation alone is pure gold. 

9. They are full of old memories. Realize that we probably don’t have Christmas memories with our own children and spouse (or they may be hurtful), and we don’t have our own one person traditions (aka quirks) or inside jokes (that would get weird quickly…). So many singles revert back to their own childhood for sharing memories and traditions. If you have a single relative or friend, have grace for this. Their memories are going to be older than yours. But it’s what they have.

10. Ok, I can’t actually think of a number 10. So, any thoughts?

Beth

a personal Psalm 107

For the full effect, crack open a Bible (I used the ESV) to Psalm 107 alongside this account. Happy Thanksgiving!
______________________________________________


Oh give thanks to the LORD for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever!

Those whom he gathered in through the testimony of a public high school football coach many years ago. That young man and woman who wandered without truth. They cried to the LORD in faith and he delivered them.

He led them by a straight way through separate colleges and jobs.
He brought them back together to marry and stumble upon a Bible-preaching church.

Let us thank the LORD for his steadfast love, 

For his wondrous works to the children of man!
He satisfies the longing soul
and the hungry soul he fills with good things.

A daughter was born. Way too early. Way too small. Away from the safety of a hospital. Snatched from the floorboards of their car and taught how to breathe and eat with tubes and machines.

And she thrived.

Let us thank the LORD for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man.

From her birth she was a fool through her sinful ways, and because of her iniquities she suffered as she grew. Pride kept her from life.

One cold Wednesday night, she cried out to the LORD in her trouble. And He delivered her from her distress. He kept his word and healed what sin had broken and delivered her from death.

Let us thank the LORD for his steadfast love, 

for his wondrous works to the children of man! 

Let us offer sacrifices of thanksgiving 

and tell of his deeds in songs of joy!

She went off to college, and traveled on teams, and moved her life overseas. She saw the deeds of the LORD in these places, his wondrous works far from home. He commanded during those times and there were many troubles. Failing grades, brutal car wrecks, health scares a world away from home. Her courage melted away. She reeled and staggered and at times was at her wits’ end.

Then she cried to the LORD in her trouble, and he delivered her from her distress. He stilled, and hushed, and led her safely to the desires of her heart through all those things.

Let us thank the LORD for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!

Then the rivers of spiritual life dried up. Springs of water into thirsty ground. A salty waste. Sometimes because of sin. Sometimes because life. Seasons of darkness and discouragement. But to this day, always, in His time, He turns a desert into pools of water, a parched land into springs of water.

And she thrives.

Today she sows and plants and gets a fruitful yield through the work God has given her. By God's blessing she multiplies greatly and He protects her from want.

When she is diminished and brought low through oppression, evil, and sorrow, He rises up like a father and a husband in her defense and raises her sometimes very needy soul out of affliction. 
He creates a community for her to dwell in.

Through the testimony of his work in her life, many are made glad, and much wickedness is foiled.

Let us attend to these things;
Let us consider the steadfast love of the LORD.

Beth

10 questions for the single

Just gonna be honest here. For quite some time now, I've been filled with delight and satisfaction over my single life. This highly suspect state of mind prompted me to ask myself a series of questions recently. Not under any delusions that you're all that interesting in my answers (I myself fell asleep several times while writing this) but I'm hoping they will stir your own thoughts and perhaps you'd share a few of your answers in the comments below?

1. What do you love most about your single life?

The independence. Hands down.

2. What do you NOT love most about your life right now?

Having to make every decision every day as one. (which I guess is kinda the definition of independence so let me think on that some more...)

3. What have you found to be the greatest benefits?

Singles don’t have more time or fewer responsibilities. But in general life is more flexible. That’s what I’m enjoying most right now. Also, It’s deeply satisfying to serve others to an extent or in a way that I clearly could not if I were married. And there’s a complexity and richness to the grace that is given to me as a single that I would not know if God had not placed me on this path. Of course the same is true of marrieds…I’m assuming. 

4. What are your greatest difficulties right now? 

Selfishness. If I’m not intentionally running my life against a variety of people and contexts, I develop sharp edges and bristles faster than I care to admit. There's also this balance between flexibility and personal stewardship that is super challenging. What can shift in my life when I'm asked to take on something new? And what can't shift lest I spin out of control or be found in the fetal position rocking back and forth while sobbing. Ha-ha. *clears throat* 

6. How do you apply your Christianity to your season of life? 

I wrestle a lot with what it means to be pure as an unmarried adult and with what it means to ‘care for things of the Lord’ as a single woman. Also, conservative Christian culture tends to define womanhood (roles, acceptable hobbies/dreams/goals etc) in terms of marriage and motherhood. This can leave one hanging a bit. So lately I’ve been exploring how Biblical womanhood applies (and must apply) to this single season. 

7. What are some of your goals?

I want to get better at money. Money is numbers and numbers are a sign of the fall and the fall is what brought evil into this world. In my opinion. But I want to be a better steward of my tiny little unrighteous mammon because I think it could be leveraged to do more of what I love to do for Jesus. Being just one of one makes that possible.

For a while now I’ve wanted to start some kind of evangelistic Bible study in my home. Singleness makes this at once both a highly possible idea and a very difficult one. Pray with me on this. It's a burden that hasn't gone away.

Getting a dog, owning my own home, and adopting are other more long-term goals I’m praying about right now. (ok, not so much praying about getting a dog, just wanting.)

8. How do you feel valued as a single?

Sometimes I feel most valued when people don’t even notice whether I’m married or not. When they just treat me like a woman. Or a member of my body of believers. A friend. A funny person… But sometimes, I feel most loved when people point out my singleness and how they see God reflected in that aspect of my life because I work very hard at that.

9. What’s one thing you would say to those in a different season of life than you? 

Single people notice a lot. So give us something worthwile to notice. Prove by your lives that God’s will for you in your season is beautiful and satisfying. We need to see that. Then point out how God’s will for singles is just as beautiful and satisfying. We need to see that. We all thirst for a drop of grace. We are all beggars to see God’s glory in this broken world. Don't tuck it away.

10. What are some 'single' policies you have in place?

If nobody knows what I’m up to (whether it’s good or bad) or how I’m doing (whether it’s good or bad) something is wrong. Autonomy makes a disturbingly accurate and powerful tool of the enemy.

I don’t cultivate close relationships with single men unless I hear words like “serious” “date” or “relationship” coming from their mouths not mine or anyone else’s. Still working on defining ‘close relationships’...

If I start to think “I should add this activity/obligation/ministry/friendship because I’m single” I take a step back and pray. Relationship status makes a shabby solo motive. I’ve learned that the hard way.

I respect husbands. No relationship with a guy should ever hold a candle to my relationship with their wife. And they, and their wives should know that. 

No big life decisions are made without consulting with my 'wisdom council.' Create one of your own and you won't regret it.

Beth 

sometimes a light

I stood mesmerized by the bowl of peaches beside me. They glowed. The late morning sun pouring from our large dining room window infused every crinkle of skin, blush of color, and gentle curve of these orbs. I held my breath for the passing beauty of it.

Then I thought of how I came to be standing at my dining room table late on this weekday morning. How work-from-home wasn’t even in my vocabulary until the last couple months. How I never knew so much life happened right outside this window every day. And then I knew that I had to share this with you.  

To catch you up before I start blogging again.

To add your hallelujah to my chorus.

It got pretty dark for a while there. For months this year and last I was courted long-distance for a fantastic position that would have made all my education, loves, and experience make sense.  And, I’ll admit it was the making sense (to myself and others) part that I was happiest about. No more having to explain why I’m single, living in this city, working plain office jobs with two degrees, jumping houses and workplaces every so often…finally I’d have a settled career. Stability. Everyone was breathing a sigh of relief.

It didn’t work out.

When I turned back to my life here everything was out of sorts. It’s like I had changed shape and couldn’t fit back in. Relationships had been severed over those months. What had seemed like the perfect and acceptable and reasonable office job was suddenly none of the above for me. So much of my current life was not enough anymore. And the guilt I felt over that discovery struck deep. The disappointment of the 'no' from far away coupled with the weight of severed relationships was crushing. The longing for my life just to be right again flung me into a tailspin. Months. Depression. Confusion. Frustration. Faith became a feeble, half-closed stare. A single thread.

Then the Lord stood up.  And the job offer came quickly out of nowhere. In a matter of weeks He gave me a new position writing a Bible program being used by hundreds of students already this school year. Every week I stand at my table creating content that is flung far and wide to classrooms and hearts I could never reach on my own. Then He gave me a local teaching position where I get to guide 80+ students deep into the world of writing every week. I was stunned. It was like living in a dream. So now I’m a writer teaching writing (insert grin). I get to make full proof of both my degrees while flexing my love of Bible, words, and teaching. AND l'm learning a ton about all those things every week. 

I could not have constructed a more beautiful turn in my path. And there could be many more turns ahead, but I was made for this. This point in time. This work...however long it stretches. What I love to do for Jesus is no longer relegated to the margins of my life. It is my life. God did that. He shook me loose, tenderly taking months to work me free from a tightly cinched idea of what I thought my life could and should be.  

Sometimes a light surprises. All the sudden we see the beauty of the crinkles and curves and blushes of color.

The light is our God rising to meet us.

Do not doubt it.

Beth

Sometimes a light surprises the Christian while he sings;
it is the Lord who rises with healing in His wings;
when comforts are declining, He grants the soul again
a season of clear shining, to cheer it after rain. 
~Cowper

8 helps when you hear "I'm discouraged"

Discouragement grows in many soils. It has a varied root system and flutters above ground with a varied foliage. Yet it is common to man. I’m not able to cover all the roots and soils in this post, but my adult life has been pocked with seasons of discouragement in which I’ve been tremendously helped by believers around me. Maybe there’s something for all of us to learn here?

(preliminary point) Don’t dismiss the confession

You’re not discouraged, honey! Everyone knows you’re always happy.

If you really were struggling you would…and let me tell you about someone who was truly discouraged…

Hahahahaha…You’re fine, you’re fine.

Smile-blink-smile-blink-smile-smile-blink.

I’ve reacted some of these ways when I've heard of others' discouragement, and I’ve experienced them all. But it’s not in the realm of acceptable to dismiss a fellow believer’s struggles. We are called to build each other up (Eph. 4:16). To be tender and compassionate. (Eph. 4:32) To be looking diligently after each other (Heb 12: 15). Encouraging one another in an ever-increasing way (Heb 10:25). Being dismissive does not match the rest of those terms.

1.  Avoid pinning the tail on sin

When my sister and I lived together, we were always coming up with new word games and phrases (thanks, Mom.) One of our classics was “insta-judge.” We could toss it out whenever we heard (or spoke) critical remarks that were obnoxiously definitive and uninformed. It turned into a humorous way to give ourselves a reality check. But...

There is a Holy Spirit and we are not him. So beware of insta-judging the root of someone’s struggle with comments like what unconfessed sin are you hiding? What weakness? What relationship failure? What bad have you done that you are so castdown? The Psalmist David is a good example of how sin can be at the root of discouragement. But he also illustrates that a righteous man behaving righteously can sail straight into that storm as well. Beware the sin label.

2.  Never play whack-a-verse

It takes courage to speak up about discouragement in our conservative Christian culture. Courage when we are at our weakest. When someone does speak up, beware the temptation to hoist the first verse that comes to mind and slam it down without context or compassion. We’ve all experienced that, right? Right.

3.  Beware of glistening generalities

You’ll get over it

It happens to everyone

Just part of life sometimes

Prayin’ for ya (slap on the back)

Phrases like these have a hollow ring and a hollow affect. They may be quick and tidy, but they all fail to convey hope. Leave the hollow, shiny phrases to this world. We have the comfort of the scriptures that work a deep and healing hope. (Rom. 15:4)

4.  Run from the temptation to compensate.

We can’t swing someone out of discouragement by being extra-super happy around them. I had someone burst into a medley of children’s songs about joy when I was sad once. This was not helpful. This strained the very bulwarks of my sanctification.

As believers, we have the privilege of going deeper than the smile (or lack thereof) on the face. This may mean I sit clinging to someone in my living room weeping with them so hard I can’t see. (Rom. 12:15) This may mean I lift up and strengthen with truth and hope when I’d much rather just walk away because my own day’s been too hard already. (Heb. 12:12) This may mean I labor for their godliness as a mother labors in childbirth until Christ is formed in them (Gal. 4:19) And all of these responses will be more effective than a happy pounce.

5. Do ask hard questions and settle in to listen

Tell me what’s going on and how it all started? How is this discouragement affecting your everyday life? Your walk with God? What is helping you most right now? What passage of Scripture or truth about God are you clinging to? Who have you been reaching out to? What can I do that would be the greatest help to you? How can I hold you accountable during this season?

Not only are these questions going to gather important information, by simply asking and listening you will convey a beautiful love that is looking beyond its own things and caring for the things of others. (Phil. 2:3-4)

6.  Shed a personal light on the situation

Beth, we’ve been through that countless times in our ministry and it hurt every time. It sent us spinning and left us disappointed. Wow. I still remember what that was like. You ask God, what was that? But we just kept trusting and doing what He’s given us to do, and He settled our hearts again. We can’t turn away because things don’t make sense.

Honest? It was the personal testimony of this woman that opened my heart to receive truth from her not long ago. Coming along side someone or even from behind them in order to help them forward will take humility and honesty. It will take a sharing our own weaknesses and what has helped us. And that? Will be God’s plan. (2 Cor. 1:4-5)

7.  Address discouragement through Biblical example

Hey want to study how David dealt discouragement in the Psalms with me? Please someone do this next time you see someone cast down. The Bible is full of divinely placed examples for our learning and hope. Let’s use them.

8.  Commit to the long haul

Or just find someone who can because there is no quick fix. No spiritual pill you can hand someone and walk away. We can help deal with the root. We can offer hope. We can pray. We can encourage someone to trust God and walk in obedience even in their discouragement, but sometimes it takes a while for emotions to swing back into place. So let’s not throw in the towel after a 5 minute convo. Christ endured. We endure. We can help each other endure.

Beth