That’s it. That’s all.
I thought at first that it
must be something else. Surely, I had graduated into some grand schoolroom of
sanctification where the Divine teacher would impress on me some glistening
truth from the upper echelons of spirituality. Bring on the faith PhD.
So when my life pretty much
imploded these last several months, I was ready. Just show me, God. You have my attention. What do I need to learn? What’s
next? What’s the step? Where’s the light?
Silence.
And
one temp job ended. And another one ended. And finding a new place to live was
like pulling teeth. And the bills were looming. And nothing was working out. Nothing. And my responsibilities were
mounding. And my autoimmune flared up so bad...
And
no lesson.
And
no light.
............................
Receiving love has never been
easy. All this insecure cracks open like a fresh break in a life-long wound. They don’t mean it. Surely, there’s an
ulterior motive. Surely, they feel obligated. These must be empty words.
Platitudes. These must be acts of pity. Best just to dismiss it. Shrug it off. Don’t
believe it. You know who you are, and you are all unloveliness. They must see
that… It has always been this way. With people. With God. I’d rather not
consider love. Give it out? Oh yes. Let it in? No thank you.
God demonstrated His love toward
us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. This was the
greatest act of love in all of history. A one-time, winner-takes-all event that
shifted the very plates of eternity in our favor. But He has not stopped demonstrating
His love.
I know this. Because God has
been so loving me. A love that has
not allowed me to do, or move forward quickly, or figure out the last few months. A love
that will not let me go since
everything started to spin. He’s used
people I least expected, and circumstances that sound made-up, and the simple pages
of my small, brown Bible. He has beset me behind and before and laid his hand
on me. He has covered me close under His wing. He has carried me as a lamb. And
underneath these thrilling yet vague statements, rest dozens of concrete examples
that would leave you shocked. In the ending of my job, friendships, home, everything normal...new mercies daily. In the beginning
of my new job, home, friendships…the mercies have not stopped. I cannot stop them. Like a healing balm
pressed into every slash of my insecure, He has made me to know His love.
Friends, I have never felt so
whole.
You see, sometimes
demonstrating His loving-kindness, or goodness, or provision, or mercy toward
us is more a priority to God than showing us the next step or teaching us the
next truth. Sometimes it’s simply more
about Him than us. And we may receive
that love without fearing we will miss His direction. A quiet, basking in the
glow of His care. Like a child who knows to do nothing more.
Sometimes the lesson is
learning to be loved.
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