when you can't Christian anymore

You know what I'm talking about. When you find yourself surrounded by button-pushing people. People that violate your strong sense of right (ahem) at every turn. Wrong people. No really, wrong people. And there's no avoiding them. And they don't stop. 

You know what I'm talking about. When you ooze negativity. Sifting every action, attitude, and situation through the "horrible' filter. Setting your life forecast on grey and drizzly, and despairing over the projected discouragement to come.

You know what I'm talking about. When all your words (or thoughts) cut with jagged sarcasm. Like they spurt from some unshutoffable spigot deep inside making you feel kinda strong and bold and right and ashamed all at once. But mostly ashamed. 

You know what I'm talking about. When people offer love and kindness, and you? Shut down. With every kind word, an inner bristle. With every loving touch, a face turned stone. A stiffening. And all you can do is watch yourself hurt those who truly care. 

In these times, Christianity can seem impossible. 
Just get me off this merry-go-round, we can think. 
I'm done. 

So, I have this friend. Never mind that her name starts with 'B' and end with 'eth'. Once in a while she finds herself in one or more of the above situations (or seasons). And when those times come, this is what she preaches to herself. 

Don't stop pouring. Trust in Him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us.

When I can't Christian, I don't want to talk to God. I'm embarrassed. guilty. ashamed. But this verse doesn't say "pour out your heart before Him when you're doing all great and totally feeling spiritual." So I trust Him enough to speak it out loud before Him. All the frustration with others...all the biting words stacked up inside... all the shutting down. I can give a detailed account of these feelings and shortcomings. I don't have to hide them away, or tell God only what I perceive He wants to hear. I'm safe as I speak; He's my refuge. 

As we pour this jumble of ugly out before the Lord, it motivates confession which turns into cleansing which turns into reviving. I don't understand how this happens, but I've experienced it. So don't keep it inside. Tell it to Jesus.

Don't stop letting. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom...

Because, at those times, I don't want to let it. I want to go through the motions. To relax while thinking about my Bible. A scrap of Bible verse here and a shred there. A diet of devotional writings instead. I'm shutting down, after all. The effort to commune with God? That's asking too much. God knows. He'll be ok with it...for one day, two, three...But, without a filling of the Word of God, I'm going to forget what it says. It's promises fade. The benefits and truths of being "little Christs"? Lose their zing. Of course they would. 

So don't stop letting the Word of God make its home in you. Right in the midst of those who vex you. The center of the discouragement. The heart of the 'numb' feeling. Fill yourself up. Let His words settle into your heart and be comfortable in your mind. At work, on errands, at home, in bed...we need their perspective. It's reality. Whether it feels like it right now or not. 

Don't stop abiding. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.

Drum roll please...No one ever succeeded at trying to Christian. ever. Eventually, our own strength gives out. Reserves of spiritual acts run dry. Facades of Spirit-filled crumble. And we can't keep it up. And that's ok because God never intended us to live a by hook or by crook spiritual life anyway. 

What is it that I really need in each situation above? Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness...I need the fruit of the Spirit. Not me. I connect to the vine that produces this fruit by abiding in Christ. An intentional, continual dependence on Him as I live the life He's given me. Friends, He has not left us comfortless in this life pocked with wrong, discouragement, frustration, and emotional shut-down. He has come to us. Providing for all manner of exactly-what-we-need so that we're left marveling with Paul: "I live, yet not I, but Christ lives in me. And the life which I now live, I live by (His) power." Sometimes we just need to be flat-lined by 'without me you can do nothing' before we can realize the full impact of 'I can do all things through Christ.' 

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I had to dust off this plan again recently. And it's a lot more fun to write about than apply. These truths don't provide an immediate change of feelings or circumstances. But when I pour out my heart, fill up my mind, and depend on Christ? That's a game changer, because that's obedience. And obedience glorifies my Father in Heaven, places me in the center of His will, and opens the floodgates of blessing. And in the end, that's pretty much what genuine Christianity looks like, no matter how broken it may feel in the moment.

Beth