you've been asking

 

Questions like...

"What are you hinting at on the blog?" 
"what does all this implication mean?"
"are you dating?" 
"are you dying?"
"buying a pachyderm?" 

No really, the vagueness has been intentional. But perhaps now is a good time for some answers? 

...................................

Over a year ago, I began praying about a return to missions in Asia. Which led to seeking counsel. Which led to contacting a specific ministry in Asia. And, and, and...one beautiful detail after another, it just took wing. I can't explain the delight of watching that happen. But now, all the plans and anticipation have come to a grinding halt. And friends? That's been difficult. And that is an understatement. But here's what I've been learning (and preaching to myself) through it. 

Go and Stop are equal commands

Ever played the children's game Red Light, Green Light? If you have, then you might know the insider tricks. Like stretching as far forward as you can from your current position after "Red Light!" is yelled. Or shuffling a few more inches in hopes the caller won't notice. Those moves are played to our advantage in games. But not in life.  

When we perceive God's stop, we must stop. It's not something to be slyly circumvented. It's also not a 'bad thing' or some how 'less than' receiving a go from God. Like a red traffic light, God's stop is simply a directive. And there is a blessing to be had in the stopping as well as the going when done in response to God's voice.

Behind an insurmountable wall can be a Divine hand

So I hit this wall a couple months ago. Couldn't find a job anywhere near this ministry in Asia. Trust me, I did all the things for a long time...and still no financial means to support myself there. Angle that how you like; it's an insurmountable wall. 

But not an accident, or a problem, or a punishment. Walls in our lives can be evidence of a Divine work. God is ultimately over the circumstances of life, and we must discern whether His hand is behind the roadblocks. Because it may well be. 

Worth is not sourced in activity or opinion

Can I be honest here? I felt useless and foolish when all this planning came to naught. What's my worth to God's kingdom if I can't do the biggest/best/most spiritual/most exciting thing for Him? Where'd I go wrong that I can't do this? I also dreaded others' opinions of this no. That yet another delay in what I've wanted for so long would make them question my sincerity and integrity. I feared seeing my frustration reflected in their faces and hushed tones of "Why can't she just leave that city for crying out loud..." Fear of man is an ugly taskmaster, folks. And it's taken this no for me to realize how often I put myself under his rule. 

But my worth is not found in what I can do for God and what others think of that. Those will ever be variables in this life. My worth rests in something much more stable. It's rooted firm in my creation and redemption by Almighty God. End of story. 

Perception must bow to reality

After the advance of this past year, God's stop seemed like a cruel slight from a controlling hand. A jolting setback. Why let me get this far to yank me back now?

It seemed that way, but it's not. My Bible says God may test, and prove, send fire, and famine, loss, and pain. He may correct and chasten or redirect. He may give or take away. And He may well say no. But He does not abuse, deceive, taunt, or mislead. He does not cast off His sons and daughters. He cannot. And appearances must bow to that. That is truth. 

........................................................

So is this a no to Asia forever and ever amen? I don't think so. But right now, I'm just trying to learn these lessons well. Seeking how to best steward this love for God's work in that part of the world. (does God want me there physically? Creating resources for believers there from here? Giving more financially? Special trips?) Cultivating a sensitivity to His go and to His stop. And (working on) trusting Him be the guide.

Perhaps a longer answer than you anticipated? :) No really, if you made it this far, it's an evidence of your care and concern for me on this journey. And that makes you the best one hundredish friends a girl could have. Thank you. 

Beth 

surely this darkness

If I say,

And by say I mean think. or feel with every fiber, or find repeating to myself in hushed tones in close private before it ever shapes into words and spills out my mouth...

"surely the darkness will overwhelm me.

I mean this discouragement just take over me. This emptiness. This barren stretch of life. Snuffed energy. This unanswered prayer. Relentless, whittling trial. This consuming grief. This deep plunge into a swelling disappointment. Billow wave of failure. Surely, this will be too much...

and the light around me will be night."

I mean all the good turn rotting bad before my eyes. When slow but sure like sinking sun, I begin to see only the shortcomings, failure, and unlovely in those who I love. When the shining glory of the daily mundane dims in the face of its taxing necessity. When the thick blanket of reality falls heavy on sparkling possibility. When all that I would point to as right, and in order is snuffed out in chaos and wrong...

Even the darkness is not dark to You.

The evil that seems so real to me is not so to the eye of God. His understanding is not dimmed by mine. Dark and light blend crystal clear before their Maker...

And the night is as bright as the day.

The clear radiance of Providence illuminates the work of His hand. He may skillfully work all of His design in my discouragement, disappointment, grief, and failure. No shadow of my current reality can distort His purposes.

........................................................

If I say surely this darkness, then I am mistaken. Then it is my understanding that is dimmed and distorted. Because ruin is not in the mind of the One whose kind and loving eye shines constant bright into my personal dark. Healing is. Sweet mercy is. And refreshing grace. Help in my need. And a warm loving kindness. His hand manipulates the dark intentions of evil, weaving them beautifully together for me. He's told me as much. And proven it.

So we find in Psalm 139 a greater reality than whatever darkness we face today. And we lift our heads and bend our hearts Heavenward as we think, and feel with every fiber, and repeat to ourselves in close private, then let it take form and wing to His waiting ear:

Surely, my God...

Beth