the challenge of single friendships (part 2)

You know that saying "bite off more than you can chew"? Yup. Why, oh why, dear reader did I ever think I could properly drop an essay on the bulging, wobbly, effervescent subject of Biblical friendship into the teensy-weensy format of a blog post? Why didn't you stop me? Are you not my friends? Sigh. Now I've gone and corralled myself into certain failure. And don't think for a moment I can't see you trying to hide your smirks and stifle your snickers. 

Let me start with a confession: I began this two-parter (of which you can find the first part here) with one goal: to lead you to a very simple yet powerful conclusion. One that (I believe) will safely maneuver us through the minefield that single friendships can create. This conclusion can be found at the end of this post (fancy that. Brilliant writing (I know) to put the conclusion at the end. How avantgarde...) But just like one of my favorite childhood stories, if you skip the middle of this post to see 'the monster at the end of the book', you'll miss out. So stick with me. 

And while you're sticking, think of the following truths not as comprehensive but as a launching point for more personal study and thought, and a genuine reflection of the sort of friend I so passionately want to be.

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Want to be the right sort of single friend?

Love Biblically 

How do I do that? I love patiently and with kindness. Without jealousy (for my friends' resources or of their friendships with others etc.) Without bragging or arrogance (that means I'm going to be open and honest and humble enough to take counsel as well as give it) Love doesn't act in unbecoming ways (ie always expecting special grace to cover my unlovely, selfish behavior) doesn't seek it's own________in friendships. Doesn't get easily provoked (my friend did this or is not doing this so...goodbye friend.) Does not take into account a wrong suffered.. Rejoices in truth (that chops off a whole chunk of communication right there.) etc. 

I wish I were brilliant enough to have come up with that paragraph myself. But 1 Cor. 13 was written long ago. Still, I want to carry this dissertation on love into all of my friendships. It will keep me from many a pitfall. It's what true friendship is. 

Love at all times.

Prov. 17:17 tells us that. It means loving at times when loving is not fun or means doing 'not fun' things (which sounds totally ok until it's actually asked of you). It means loving when I feel strong and independent and like I don't need my friend at the moment. And when I feel weak and therefore unable to reciprocate love shown to me as I would like. In times when my expectations are met and times when they must be left empty. When I (or my friend) is dating and when we're not. There's never a time when love circles the wagons. 

Love when it means hurting.

I'm mesmerized by Proverbs 27:6: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend." I would have never thought to put it that way, but I get it. Sometimes a hurting is needed to bring about complete restoration. Think the setting of a joint back into place, or the application of antiseptic to open flesh. A Biblical friend? Does not shirk this responsibility. They're willing to say the difficult, to speak a word though it seem 'out of season', to faithfully point their friends to Christ though that doesn't immediately make things 'feel' better for them or get the desired response. Why do friends do this? They're bent on seeing their friends heal and grow. 

Love by discipling.

No no no, Beth. I saw you headed here and you don't understand. I'm not equipped to counsel anyone. I don't want a disciple. I want a friend. I'm not going to look down on any of my friends as my 'students.' That's for Sunday School and outreach ministries. 

But take a careful look. The Bible says friends sharpen each other. And give (and receive) hearty counsel. That's more than having fun together. In John 15, Christ Himself equates friends with disciples. They're not mutually exclusive. Discipleship is a giving and receiving of the knowledge of God. I've got several friendships like this right now. I don't feel belittled by this dynamic. Or puffed up. I find tremendous encouragement and delight. Because it's what God meant for friendship to be. 

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To be this kind of friend, I'm not going to be able to do anything other than friending. (so please have pity on me and send me crusts of bread and mow my lawn and blow my nose.) But really, isn't that how you kinda felt after reading this post? I did. I was like, there's no way I can do all that. So here's THE MONNNNNSSSSTTTERRR TRUTH AT THE END OF THIS POST. The conclusion that boils everything into one real-life, able-to-be-applied action point. Want to do single friendship right?

Don't play God with your friends. 

You can trace every danger of single friendships to this root. Disappointed by your friends? Discouraged? Frustrated? Unfulfilled? Run dry and ragged by them? Can't live without them? I wager it's because someone is playing God. Biblical friendship means knowing that I cannot do what God can for my friend, and they can't do what only God can for me. And acting on that knowledge. In my life, that's gonna look like a whole lot more pointing Heavenward and looking there myself. And, with that, space has run out for this post. But look! You made it to the end of the 'book' and found the conclusion is no monster indeed.

Beth :)

no more waiting

I know, I know: This isn't the day I post on the blog. And I'm aware that I'm in the middle of a two-parter on friendship. But this testimony's gonna burn straight through me. So consider it a freebie, or an odd intrusion, or a Monday surprise...or...ok, I better stop with that. 

Last week, I had the privilege of attending a sacred concert. My heart swelled to bursting with the delightful melodies and rich orchestration as they drew my mind to focus on Bible truth. But for me, there was a Divine purpose in that concert. I'm convinced of it. For right in the middle of singing of God's character, work, love, and plan, I discovered I've been doing life all wrong these days. 

I've been waiting. 

You see, I've asked God to open a door of opportunity. And the last months, He has. A crack. Just a slant. Enough for me to catch a glimpse of what I think is next for me in this life. And it's made me almost slap-happy for the seeing. But there's necessary information missing. Details that lay beyond the sliver of light cast from that door. So I've been waiting. 

And how many times have I told God that I trust His timing as much as His hand? 

Told Him that I won't act until He makes those details clear- until He opens that door full-wide for His name's sake or if He chooses not to for His name's sake. This opportunity swings on the hinges of God's sovereignty. I'm convinced of it. And trust me, I know that white-fingered prying or body-weight launching against that door will not do. Don't ask me how I know. 

But as my heart swelled in that concert with all I wanted to do for God in response to His work in and for me, I began to think: God, I can't right now. I'm waiting...on You. (funny how the tone of our hearts can surprise us.) And I realized that I've put my whole life on hold. I'm waiting on God for this so I can't really do this. Can't invest in this ministry, person, responsibility, opportunity etc. I'm embarrassed to say this waiting has paralyzed my devotional life. Made me scared of blossoming friendships. Kept me from investing my full energy in my church and job.  

When it comes down to it, we're all waiting for something in life. Some wait for graduation. For a marriage partner. for that change or advancement in career. for a child. for another child. An empty nest. grandchildren. for the end of a trial. for a return to physical health. for something new. For more_______ or for less________so we can_________. 

And waiting on God is Biblical. You'll find it from cover to cover. David especially seems to have a firm understanding of its importance. But somehow I'd taken that spiritual dynamic and put it in physical terms. Waiting in our everyday is a passive thing, right? I sit still in the doctor's office as I wait for my appointment. I wait in line at the grocery store. I wait for my computer to download and update. Waiting is kind of a mind-in-neutral, inactive thing.

But waiting on God is not to be that way. Check out David's life. The man was a spinning tornado of continual activity. He's protecting sheep. Slaying giants. Running from enemies. Ruling a kingdom. Writing proficiently. He's a husband and father. A friend. A skilled musician. All of this while waiting on God.

So by the time the last strains of music had faded last week, I had confessed wrong thinking, and asked God to renew a right spirit in me as I wait on Him. And I had determined that I will fill the waiting. Fill it with worship that matches the "big-ness" of my gratitude and love for Him. Saturate it with Scripture. Pack it with all manner of good works for God and His people. I will throw my "soul's fresh, glowing ardor" into my spiritual walk. All my energy into my God-given responsibilities and friendships and opportunities. 

God can light up my path and direct my steps when He wills. I won't stop acknowledging Him in all my ways. He can open or close that door of opportunity or guide me to another one. I won't stop doing anything I know to do for Him as I wait. 

Beth

the challenge of single friendships (part 1)

Friendship makes the world go round. End of story. But sometimes single friendships can become something they shouldn't. Without realizing it, we try to make our friends fill this void we feel because we don't have that seemingly 'perfect' marriage friendship. And digging deeper, we find that we expect our friends to meet needs that really can only be met through our relationship with Jesus Christ. So the challenge? Unless I'm careful, I may find myself thinking of...

Friends as ears

Friends are for listening. I connect with them when I need to discuss something. Actually, I"m going to talk and talk and talk to my friend (who else do I have to talk to?). Then I'm going to dial up the next friend and talk and talk and talk then hurry to the next. This can go on for days. It's great! The more I talk and friends listen the better I feel. Sometimes I talk so long with so many friends that it makes all my problems seem resolved. This way I don't actually have to put into practice any of their counsel. When it comes down to it, I'm just constantly searching for someone who will always listen. 

Friends as fun-makers

Friends are for fun. So if I'm not having fun every time I'm with someone? They're gonna get cut out. Not enough fun with friends at church? Gonna switch churches. That singles group? A bit lame, so I'll just bow out. A friend tries to have spiritual conversations or talk about weighty life subjects? I get enough of that from others already. They want to do something I don't think is 'fun?' I'm going to be busy. Someone in our dinner group that will make it less fun? Sorry, can't make it. Friends are F.U.N. Anything more or less than that and it just ain't gonna work. After all, it's ok for me to treat people like this because as a single, who else is going to look out for my happiness? 

Friends as doctors

I can fly in and out of relationships like a plane through a partly cloudy sky because I'm very independent. But when my 'plane' crashes? My friends fix me. Buy me things. Write me sympathy notes. listen. Binge eat, watch, and shop with me. I'm sure they don't mind that I only spend time with them when I'm in smithereens. I don't really need others. Just when I need the pieces put back together. And this works great because then I don't need to bother them (or be bothered with them) until my next crash. But I do need someone to do the fixing. Without a spouse, where else am I supposed to turn for healing?

Friends as givers

Friends give me everything I need. All the communication necessary for me to feel loved. All the time I want. All the love my heart desires. Of course they will always give me grace when I'm curt, or crude, or complaining, or gossiping, or...Actually, they will always give the desired response exactly when I want it. They will drop everything and give. And if they don't, I doubt whether they're a true friend and move on. Since I'm not married, where else am I supposed to get what I need? 

Friends as takers

Friends take things. As many of my resources as I let them. And that's great because when I give it makes me feel good about myself. I'd rather not share my burdens/griefs/cares/joys with them anyway because that may make me feel or appear 'less.' Some may call my resistance to open myself up to friends pride, but I prefer to think of it as always putting my friend first. At any cost. When I let friends always take and never give I'm doing them a service, right? Even if I'm drained dry for their taking, how else am I to get the sense of worth I so desperately want?

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This post hurt to write because I didn't have to look much farther than my own heart for it. I've thought of (and still tend to think of) friends in some of these wrong ways. And fleshing out that thinking is ugly indeed, isn't it? But honestly, there is a nugget of truth to each of these friend descriptors. The problem comes when we look to our friends to meet our need for those things in a way only God can. So, what is the Biblical role of a friend in the single's life?

That's for part 2 to answer. But I'll say this, I'm already excited and encouraged to share with you what I'm learning as I sit in the friendship and love passages that give that answer. And I'll leave you with this: There's no doubt in my mind that single friendships are worth wrestling through any challenge they come with.

After all, they make the world go round. 

Beth 

singleness and pity

Nephew Scott demonstrates my attitude towards pity 

There's a lot of I, me, and my in this post. I apologize in advance, dear reader. (by the way, you're in good company. Over 10,000 hits now!) There's also a lot of optimism here. Because that's how I view life. But do hang on: there's a healthy dose of the difficult at the end (for you pessimistic realists.) 

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I hate pity. Hate feeling its moist tendrils wrapping around me. BUT one doesn't have to be single long to experience pity. It's humanity's knee-jerk response when someone doesn't advance along the tight-walled expected life course. I think it bothers me so much because I honestly don't think my life is worthy of pity. Here's why: 

1) My life lacks nothing good.

Maybe I'm just not seeing clearly, but when I take careful stock of my life, I find that my life is piled high with good things. A home I adore. Family I love. A job that provides not only my needs, but most of my wants. Friendships galore with fascinating, talented, and beautiful people. The best local church I could imagine. Eyes, ears, nose, and tongue that work...I mean come on people. Warm blankets at night. Sunscreen for sitting on the back deck. And the good that's in my life simply because Jesus Christ is in it? That cannot be numbered. 

So take careful stock of your own life as a single or no, and you will come to this same conclusion. Look for the good and you will find it pressed down and running over.

2) My life boundaries are beautiful.

David writes "the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places." I love that mental picture. Because when I closely examine my life, that's what I see. Don't get me wrong; a single's life has definite hedges and walls in Scripture. And certainly, there are lovely things I spy beyond those borders. But friends, within these boundaries is wide-open freedom. Inside the sprawling borders of the single life, I may do everything I find in my heart to do for Jesus. All manner of extravagant good for His kingdom. And I marvel that my needs, desires, cares, weaknesses, sorrows...all of them are gently tended here.

Maybe we need to stop staring cross-armed and poochy-lipped at the bulk of our life boundaries. Maybe we need to turn our focus around, and get up, and go, and do all we want for God's kingdom. And if we do that, we will find a field of endless possibility.

3) My life is completely fulfilling.  

No husband. No children. No, you know, everything one needs to be fulfilled in life. Beth simply cannot be richly satisfied. Alas, we must pity her. Sometimes I get that vibe from others. But satisfaction is a personal thing, you know? You can't really measure it for someone else. And when I consider my 'sense of fulfillment' I find it on full. That's not because I'm awesome. That doesn't mean I don't value and eagerly anticipate marriage and family. It means that God satisfies, and there is genuine fulfillment in simply doing His revealed will day by day. No believer (single or not) has a corner on that satisfaction.

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Confession: I could've left you a sobbing mess with this post. I've known loss that's sent me flying backward and left me bruised. A loneliness I've thought might crush me. Too many tears, folks. Too many broken hopes. Too much anxiety, discouragement, and frustration. But detail this paragraph as I may, it doesn't change the reality of the above three points. 

Did you notice phrases like analyze, closely examine, and take stock in the points above? That's the tipping point. I "take arms against a sea of troubles" by meditating on spiritual truth. My life lacks no good thing, has pleasant borders, and is completely fulfilling as I walk with God because my Bible says that. I just need to reckon it to be true and act on it. 

So I reckon. (how's that for some down South speak?) That's basically what this post is. Listing what the Bible says is true about my life, looking for it, and believing it to be true. And when I do that, I find that I have no place for pity. 

And neither will you. 

Beth

when you can't Christian anymore

You know what I'm talking about. When you find yourself surrounded by button-pushing people. People that violate your strong sense of right (ahem) at every turn. Wrong people. No really, wrong people. And there's no avoiding them. And they don't stop. 

You know what I'm talking about. When you ooze negativity. Sifting every action, attitude, and situation through the "horrible' filter. Setting your life forecast on grey and drizzly, and despairing over the projected discouragement to come.

You know what I'm talking about. When all your words (or thoughts) cut with jagged sarcasm. Like they spurt from some unshutoffable spigot deep inside making you feel kinda strong and bold and right and ashamed all at once. But mostly ashamed. 

You know what I'm talking about. When people offer love and kindness, and you? Shut down. With every kind word, an inner bristle. With every loving touch, a face turned stone. A stiffening. And all you can do is watch yourself hurt those who truly care. 

In these times, Christianity can seem impossible. 
Just get me off this merry-go-round, we can think. 
I'm done. 

So, I have this friend. Never mind that her name starts with 'B' and end with 'eth'. Once in a while she finds herself in one or more of the above situations (or seasons). And when those times come, this is what she preaches to herself. 

Don't stop pouring. Trust in Him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us.

When I can't Christian, I don't want to talk to God. I'm embarrassed. guilty. ashamed. But this verse doesn't say "pour out your heart before Him when you're doing all great and totally feeling spiritual." So I trust Him enough to speak it out loud before Him. All the frustration with others...all the biting words stacked up inside... all the shutting down. I can give a detailed account of these feelings and shortcomings. I don't have to hide them away, or tell God only what I perceive He wants to hear. I'm safe as I speak; He's my refuge. 

As we pour this jumble of ugly out before the Lord, it motivates confession which turns into cleansing which turns into reviving. I don't understand how this happens, but I've experienced it. So don't keep it inside. Tell it to Jesus.

Don't stop letting. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom...

Because, at those times, I don't want to let it. I want to go through the motions. To relax while thinking about my Bible. A scrap of Bible verse here and a shred there. A diet of devotional writings instead. I'm shutting down, after all. The effort to commune with God? That's asking too much. God knows. He'll be ok with it...for one day, two, three...But, without a filling of the Word of God, I'm going to forget what it says. It's promises fade. The benefits and truths of being "little Christs"? Lose their zing. Of course they would. 

So don't stop letting the Word of God make its home in you. Right in the midst of those who vex you. The center of the discouragement. The heart of the 'numb' feeling. Fill yourself up. Let His words settle into your heart and be comfortable in your mind. At work, on errands, at home, in bed...we need their perspective. It's reality. Whether it feels like it right now or not. 

Don't stop abiding. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.

Drum roll please...No one ever succeeded at trying to Christian. ever. Eventually, our own strength gives out. Reserves of spiritual acts run dry. Facades of Spirit-filled crumble. And we can't keep it up. And that's ok because God never intended us to live a by hook or by crook spiritual life anyway. 

What is it that I really need in each situation above? Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness...I need the fruit of the Spirit. Not me. I connect to the vine that produces this fruit by abiding in Christ. An intentional, continual dependence on Him as I live the life He's given me. Friends, He has not left us comfortless in this life pocked with wrong, discouragement, frustration, and emotional shut-down. He has come to us. Providing for all manner of exactly-what-we-need so that we're left marveling with Paul: "I live, yet not I, but Christ lives in me. And the life which I now live, I live by (His) power." Sometimes we just need to be flat-lined by 'without me you can do nothing' before we can realize the full impact of 'I can do all things through Christ.' 

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I had to dust off this plan again recently. And it's a lot more fun to write about than apply. These truths don't provide an immediate change of feelings or circumstances. But when I pour out my heart, fill up my mind, and depend on Christ? That's a game changer, because that's obedience. And obedience glorifies my Father in Heaven, places me in the center of His will, and opens the floodgates of blessing. And in the end, that's pretty much what genuine Christianity looks like, no matter how broken it may feel in the moment.

Beth