Thursday, May 25, 2017

learning to be loved

That’s it. That’s all.

I thought at first that it must be something else. Surely, I had graduated into some grand schoolroom of sanctification where the Divine teacher would impress on me some glistening truth from the upper echelons of spirituality. Bring on the faith PhD.

So when my life pretty much imploded these last several months, I was ready. Just show me, God. You have my attention. What do I need to learn? What’s next? What’s the step? Where’s the light?

Silence.

And one temp job ended. And another one ended. And finding a new place to live was like pulling teeth. And the bills were looming. And nothing was working out. Nothing. And my responsibilities were mounding. And my autoimmune flared up so bad...

And no lesson.
And no light.
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Receiving love has never been easy. All this insecure cracks open like a fresh break in a life-long wound. They don’t mean it. Surely, there’s an ulterior motive. Surely, they feel obligated. These must be empty words. Platitudes. These must be acts of pity. Best just to dismiss it. Shrug it off. Don’t believe it. You know who you are, and you are all unloveliness. They must see that… It has always been this way. With people. With God. I’d rather not consider love. Give it out? Oh yes. Let it in? No thank you.

 ............................
God demonstrated His love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. This was the greatest act of love in all of history. A one-time, winner-takes-all event that shifted the very plates of eternity in our favor. But He has not stopped demonstrating His love.

I know this. Because God has been so loving me. A love that has not allowed me to do, or move forward quickly, or figure out the last few months. A love that will not let me go since everything started to spin. He’s used people I least expected, and circumstances that sound made-up, and the simple pages of my small, brown Bible. He has beset me behind and before and laid his hand on me. He has covered me close under His wing. He has carried me as a lamb. And underneath these thrilling yet vague statements, rest dozens of concrete examples that would leave you shocked. In the ending of my job, friendships, home, everything normal...new mercies daily. In the beginning of my new job, home, friendships…the mercies have not stopped. I cannot stop them. Like a healing balm pressed into every slash of my insecure, He has made me to know His love.

Friends, I have never felt so whole.

You see, sometimes demonstrating His loving-kindness, or goodness, or provision, or mercy toward us is more a priority to God than showing us the next step or teaching us the next truth. Sometimes it’s simply more about Him than us. And we may receive that love without fearing we will miss His direction. A quiet, basking in the glow of His care. Like a child who knows to do nothing more.

Sometimes the lesson is learning to be loved.  



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