Friendship makes the world go round. End of story. But sometimes single friendships can become something they shouldn't. Without realizing it, we try to make our friends fill this void we feel because we don't have that seemingly 'perfect' marriage friendship. And digging deeper, we find that we expect our friends to meet needs that really can only be met through our relationship with Jesus Christ. So the challenge? Unless I'm careful, I may find myself thinking of...
Friends as ears
Friends are for listening. I connect with them when I need to discuss something. Actually, I"m going to talk and talk and talk to my friend (who else do I have to talk to?). Then I'm going to dial up the next friend and talk and talk and talk then hurry to the next. This can go on for days. It's great! The more I talk and friends listen the better I feel. Sometimes I talk so long with so many friends that it makes all my problems seem resolved. This way I don't actually have to put into practice any of their counsel. When it comes down to it, I'm just constantly searching for someone who will always listen.
Friends as fun-makers
Friends are for fun. So if I'm not having fun every time I'm with someone? They're gonna get cut out. Not enough fun with friends at church? Gonna switch churches. That singles group? A bit lame, so I'll just bow out. A friend tries to have spiritual conversations or talk about weighty life subjects? I get enough of that from others already. They want to do something I don't think is 'fun?' I'm going to be busy. Someone in our dinner group that will make it less fun? Sorry, can't make it. Friends are F.U.N. Anything more or less than that and it just ain't gonna work. After all, it's ok for me to treat people like this because as a single, who else is going to look out for my happiness?
Friends as doctors
I can fly in and out of relationships like a plane through a partly cloudy sky because I'm very independent. But when my 'plane' crashes? My friends fix me. Buy me things. Write me sympathy notes. listen. Binge eat, watch, and shop with me. I'm sure they don't mind that I only spend time with them when I'm in smithereens. I don't really need others. Just when I need the pieces put back together. And this works great because then I don't need to bother them (or be bothered with them) until my next crash. But I do need someone to do the fixing. Without a spouse, where else am I supposed to turn for healing?
Friends as givers
Friends give me everything I need. All the communication necessary for me to feel loved. All the time I want. All the love my heart desires. Of course they will always give me grace when I'm curt, or crude, or complaining, or gossiping, or...Actually, they will always give the desired response exactly when I want it. They will drop everything and give. And if they don't, I doubt whether they're a true friend and move on. Since I'm not married, where else am I supposed to get what I need?
Friends as takers
Friends take things. As many of my resources as I let them. And that's great because when I give it makes me feel good about myself. I'd rather not share my burdens/griefs/cares/joys with them anyway because that may make me feel or appear 'less.' Some may call my resistance to open myself up to friends pride, but I prefer to think of it as always putting my friend first. At any cost. When I let friends always take and never give I'm doing them a service, right? Even if I'm drained dry for their taking, how else am I to get the sense of worth I so desperately want?
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This post hurt to write because I didn't have to look much farther than my own heart for it. I've thought of (and still tend to think of) friends in some of these wrong ways. And fleshing out that thinking is ugly indeed, isn't it? But honestly, there is a nugget of truth to each of these friend descriptors. The problem comes when we look to our friends to meet our need for those things in a way only God can. So, what is the Biblical role of a friend in the single's life?
That's for part 2 to answer. But I'll say this, I'm already excited and encouraged to share with you what I'm learning as I sit in the friendship and love passages that give that answer. And I'll leave you with this: There's no doubt in my mind that single friendships are worth wrestling through any challenge they come with.
After all, they make the world go round.
Beth
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