Top eight things NOT to say to single women (and why)

A preliminary Q&A: 

~ Where'd this list come from? Mostly personal experience. And listening to other singles' experiences.

~ Why focus on single women? Because (although it's rarely talked about in my circles) I think the experience of single men is quite different. Weigh in on this if you like!

~ Why write this? NOT to bemoan the treatment of singles. And NOT to hurt. Trust me, much joyous, romping sarcasm has been cut from this list. Cut in hopes that the end result will be a helpful understanding and provoking to good works. Nothing else. 

~ no pics? I'm confident the subject matter alone will hold your interest. :) Except, I had to include this one. Don't judge. 

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1. You're single because you're too...

• Too picky/Too accepting. 
• Too dependent/Too independent. 
• Too messy/Too put together. 
• Too intimidating/Too passive. 
• Too mature/Too immature.

2. You're single because you're not...

• Not trying hard enough. 
• Trusting God enough.
•  Feminine enough.
•  Praying hard enough.
•  Healthy enough. 
• Godly enough. 
• Enough of something necessary 

Why not say these first two statements? It implies something is wrong with us. Most of the "too"s and "not enough"s are personality traits we can't change very easily, and (although they can run amok) many of them are God-given. As for the spiritual "nots", see #3.

Instead of making these statements, point us toward the mark we should all be pressing towards. The image we all should be transforming into. Point us toward Christ. And if we have glaring faults, point them out as you would to any other brother or sister in Christ. 

Not so they can be torn down like hurdles on the road to married bliss, 
but laid aside like weights that slow us down on the path of sanctification.

3. If you were content with being single, God would bring you a husband.

Paul's reward for being content in whatever state he was in, was not a different state. It was contentment. And a deeper understanding of God's strength in his weakness. Nowhere in Scripture do we find that passage into marriage is contingent on one spiritual discipline. It is contingent on God's master plan.

Do single women need to be challenged on contentment? Most certainly. Do this by keeping before us the all sufficiency of our God and His abundant resources for us. Assure us of His blessings for those who obey in this area. But don't assume that no husband indicates a grave lack of something spiritual like contentment. 

4. Because you're still single at your age, God has most likely given you the "gift" to be single for the rest of your life.

The last thing a single woman wants to hear is the proclamation that they have the singleness gift. It's like pulling a bad card in a game and everyone knows you're trying to get rid of it...it renders us helpless. And makes any prayers, desires, and possibilities for relationships suddenly sinful and disobedient. Because who would want to return a gift from God?

Understand that singleness, like marriage, is a gift. But, just like marriage, it doesn't come with a life time guarantee. 

Life changes. 
And God is not a one-gift God.

 So challenge the single in your life to take full advantage of the benefits of the gift of singleness that they have right now for the kingdom of God's sake. Because it may not last long at all. 

5. Ugh. my husband (insert negative comment) and my children (insert negative comment)

Realize that the single women in your life are keenly aware of the benefits of having a husband and the innate pleasure of raising children. And when marrieds bash these (whether to make the single in their presence feel more at ease or happy about their singleness or not) it destroys something beautiful. Please don't throw mud on this wonderful privilege! 

It doesn't make God look good or encourage us.

6. I'm sure God has "the one" waiting around the next corner...

Unless someone has the power to see into the future God has planned for someone else, this is probably not a wise thing to say. Why? It either generates a false hope (This godly person I highly admire says it, so it must be TRUE!) or spirals them further down the slope of hopelessness (because, in the end, everyone knows fortune telling is...well...bogus.)

7. If you would just learn to___________you would attract a husband.

• sew
• cook
• keep your home
• flirt
• dress well
• lose weight
• get your life 'in order'

Don't get me wrong. These are all admirable activities worthy of pursuit. (jury's still out on flirting though) 

The problem with these "if you would just....then this would happen" statements? They are so scatter shot. They run the gamut from personal hygiene tips to how to cook linguine. And most of them stem from how-I-met-my-spouse success stories. Which I absolutely LOVE to hear. 

But be cautious about retrofitting what worked for you into the life of someone else. There is no one-size-fits-all in God's master plan. 

8. You must be single because you don't have the same desire for physical intimacy as others.

This is awkward. I know. And yet this statement is implied or clearly stated to many singles.

Problem is, we can't see what desires swirl around inside someone else. We can't see their battles. And although I've met a few singles who say that they had no desire for marriage or its physical pleasures, they are by far the exception to the rule. For most, the road of emotional and physical purity is not a smooth one. And at times it appears impossible.

You can be a tremendous encouragement to a single by 

• Applauding their choices to honor God in this area.
• Assuming it is a difficult thing. 
• Praying regularly for God to give them victory. 

Trust me, if God's people do not give encouragement about purity, the Christian single (especially if they're out of college) is not receiving encouragement in this area. And they need it. 

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If you have inadvertently said one of these statements to a single in your life, don't worry! We have pretty thick skins. And we realize that...

A) Those in our lives would never intentionally hurt us by what they say.

B) We must say things (probably all the time) that are just as hurtful and insensitive to the marrieds in our lives.

So don't let these 8 things make you avoid or tread softly around the singles in your life! Engage us in many and much conversation. We enjoy you and need you very much. But do be aware of and avoid these 8 verbal bombs.

And we will love you for it.

Beth

Coming Soon: Stop asking, Ok!? No really, there's several topics 'in the cooker' and I'm not ready to commit to one yet. 

Why there's a chocolate stain on my bathroom mat (a single's thoughts on hospitality)

caveat: my beloved and thoughtful roommate unknowingly threw this mat in the wash the other day, which makes this entire post null and void. But, here we go anyway...

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I found it after the group of young families had said good bye and tromped up the hill from my little apartment: A shiny brown smear winking up at me from my bathroom rug. And after close inspection revealed it was not what it could have been (due to several potty training toddlers), I laughed out loud as I imagined just how a chunk chocolate may have found its way to such an odd place. 

And I left it there. 

In fact, if you were to hop over to my house a few weeks ago, a casual glance at your feet would reveal a faded, "well worked in" sphere of chocolate. But, lest you faint in horror over my lack of sanitary prowess, let me explain myself. 

It's there on purpose. 

To remind this single lady of certain realities that can easily be forgotten in the rat race of a full time job, busy church ministries, and unending life responsibilities...

Reality #1: Life is not stuff. 

Stuff is a weakness of mine. I love to hunt for, arrange (and rearrange), and take comfort in the things I place in my home. And singleness magnifies stuff. No husband or children to hang my identity on. Only my home. And so it becomes hugely important to make that home "picture perfect" and fill it with things that are a genuine, beautiful expression of who I am. 

And this is not necessarily bad. 

The "bad" comes in when my stuff hinders my life. Like when...

• I don't have nieces or nephews over because they will leave my stuff a wreck (actually, they don't, but they could.) 
• I don't have married women in my home because I don't want them to stare at my stuff and compare it to their better stuff (there's no way to top what you get at wedding showers).
• I don't have families over because my stuff is not "family proof."
•  I find that I have no money to minister to people in my home because I'm blowing my budget on more and more...you guessed it, stuff. 

And when I glance at that bit o' chocolate on my fuzzy green mat I remember, that (although it coordinates beautifully with my powder room motif) it is just stuff. Christ's words in Luke 12 ring true: "a man's life consists not in the abundance of things which he possesses." And, like this passage says, I need to daily beware of the covetousness that wells up from thinking life is stuff. 

Reality #2 Life is not me. 

I know, right? That should be a no-brainer. But singles have that privilege which is at once both gloriously wonderful and painfully horrible: We can choose to be alone. 

In fact, we can choose most things in our life. And this provides a constant opportunity for selfishness. When you're alone, what do you most often think about? Yourself. When you have a choice, what do you choose? Most often what will give you greatest pleasure. 

And if you're single, unless you're intentional about it, it's possible to go entire days without considering anyone else but yourself. You work to support yourself. You eat alone unless you choose otherwise. You shop to buy things for you. And the list could go on. Problem is, with all this mememememe in every day, it's easy to think life is about just that.

But when I glance down at that brownish spot in my bathroom everyday, I remember life is not actually about me and preserving the right to choose and think about myself. In fact...Christ Himself didn't come to be pleased by those around Him. He came to give away His life (Mk 10) and lay it down (Jn 10). Your mind is probably reeling right now with many Scripture passages that speak of how the Christian should deal with self. And however you phrase it...The conclusion is the same:

 Life is not me. 

Reality #3 Life is people. 

God made man in His image. They are important to Him. They have worth because He has given them worth. And His actions towards them support that. His overriding purpose in life was not to build a beautiful home, land a "dream job", or prepare for retirement. His purpose was to seek and save and minister to (wait for it...) 

People. 

And (yes, even as a single) as I knock out my every day life, I must wrestle with what I am doing with that Divine example. Where do people fit in? Lost and saved. This is where the philosophy of hospitality comes into play. 

As a single, my home (or dorm room, or apartment, or...) is one of my greatest resources. It provides a ready platform to seek, and save, and minister. So, I keep my home clean and comfortable (okay, okay, I'm working on it) so I can easily have a neighbor in for a lemonade, or a game night with young families from church. I look for inexpensive beautiful things that will make my home a relaxing oasis for all who enter. I skimp on eating lunches out so I can treat family and friends to a movie and popcorn party. 

I say no to a lot of "stuff" because it doesn't fit into this purpose.

 And I say no to self because it never will. 

And that chocolate stain jogs my mind from thoughts of stuff and meditations of me, and reminds me that it's about time I have those young families over again. They are souls that I can minister to simply by providing them a place to meet. They are people. 

And life is people.

Beth

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Coming Soon....the post you've all been waiting for... boldly going where no man has gone before...discovering strange new worlds...ok, I'm cracking myself up...

(Ahem)

Coming Soon: Top eight things NOT to say to single women (and why) 
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When you find yourself on the path less traveled: a philosophy of singleness

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"I think God will keep me single for a while" A young Beth told her mom.

(Okay, perhaps not quite that young, but I just love this pic)

Fast forward from that talk with Mom through several years of college, evangelistic teams, Christian camp work, foreign missions, an unexpected Master's degree... and countless times of wondering:

 "Now what?" "Is it time yet, God?"

All while fielding the barrage of questions that singleness generates. 

• WHAT? No ring on your finger? 
• Why aren't you married? 
• You, single? 
• What is wrong with the guys around you? 
• How have you escaped the clutches of matrimony so LONG?
• When will you finally settle down?
• Are you fighting against God's created design?

And there's no pat answer. 

Most answers singles come up with don't seem to satisfy others or help much when the hurt comes anyway. And we are soon left harboring the same questions that are so innocently brought before us. 

And the question at the root of it all:

Why, God. Why this? 

So, because I know you are all sorely desiring to know what my single philosophy is (insert wiggling eyebrows and a look of suspense.) Here it is in three easy truths: 

Truth #1 God is in it for His glory's sake. 

From Genesis to Revelation. Trace it. He creates to bring Himself glory. He reveals Himself to individuals and whole people groups to show His glory. He works miracles that showcase His glory. He leads, protects, provides, and cares for His people for His name's sake. When His people fail to bring Him the glory He deserves, He corrects them. The majority of the New Testament provides practical instruction for how His people can best glorify Him. And the end of it all? He restores His broken, fumbling, flesh ridden children to perfection in Heaven. Why? So they can glorify Him perfectly-- for all of eternity. 

Truth #2 I'm in it for His glory's sake. 

I was created to bring Him glory. I'm His. And when I sort through the piles of debris that single life leaves scattered about me, I find one desire that remains constant and strong:

More than anything, I want God to receive the greatest glory possible.
More than I want--

• a husband. 
• children.
• a normal home.
• secure future. 

More than I want a typical life-- I want to do what I was created to do. To stand before Him one day and present Him a life that in every situation and every season, brought the greatest glory possible to His name. 

But lest this paint me with a gilded brush, remember this: If you are His child, you will find this desire in you too. It is God-wrought. 

Truth #3 God is always at work in my life for His glory's sake. 

Hang with me, friends. This is where the rubber meets the road. 

Truth #3 means, if I am single, this is how God can receive greatest glory from my life right now. I don't have to lick the wounds of my single life longing for a season when I can do more for Him. I don't have to view my life like a "sub par holding pattern" until marriage happens. 

God is too concerned for His glory 
to let His children squander their lives like that. 

Dig deeper into this truth and you will find a reason to enjoy this season of life. A freedom from the crushing pressure to leave it. And the sparkling possibility of contentment in the right now. 

And when God determines I can bring Him more glory by being married, He's gonna do that. He's going to. He's in it for His glory's sake. And so am I. And if I'm walking with Him, I can't miss it. 

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Isn't this just another trite answer to the singleness questions?

Perhaps. But the Biblical roots of these truths run deep. They have held me firm through the storms of failed relationships and secret crushes. (shhh, don't tell anyone I've struggled with those.)

I wish this triad of truths was like a lucky charm that would make my life all at once magically delicious. But it's not. It doesn't take away natural desire for marriage. It doesn't stop people's comments. And it's not a force field that protects against hurt. 

BUT these three statements can be believed. And, as it is with all Biblical truth, that response is our greatest privilege and our greatest advantage in this life. 

May God help us live it.

Beth

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Coming Soon: Why there's a chocolate stain on my bathroom mat (A single's thoughts on hospitality) 

Welcome to my blog!

So, what's up with the blog name? 

Excellent question. 

Because (as many of you know) I have woefully little skill in sewing on a button, much less the intricacies of weaving fabric. This blog is NOT about those things. So if you need pointers on that stuff, I kindly direct you to Pintrest or Google. 

Take a look at my blog background. Can you see the overall design or pattern in the fabric? Good. Now take a closer look. The individual threads running through the fabric are very different. Different textures. Different colors. Different hues of the same color...

 If you're a Christian, the overall design or pattern of your life probably looks similar to mine. As born again believers, God is "weaving" the every day details of our lives together to form us into the image of Christ. So you can expect a smattering of posts that share spiritual lessons God is teaching me about this design. 

But the individual threads of each life are unique. Here's a few of mine: 

Thread #1 I'm a single woman. Which once and a while leaves me time to contemplate my existence like so...

Thread #2 working professional. A pic of where the magic happens:

Thread #3 adventure lover. (Ironically, I could not find a picture of a recent adventure. oops.) 

                      

Thread #4 aspiring reader.  If you add a John Wayne biography which isn't available at the moment, this is what's on tap right now. 

Thread #5 lover of family and fun. Hey, someone has to teach the nieces and nephews the art of hilarity. This is greatly appreciated among my married siblings...I think. 

               

 And if I had to pick one thread of my life that I am most passionate about right now, it would be what I am discovering about the single life God has me in currently. You can expect the majority of the blog to focus on this. 

Why a blog? Everybody blogs. And many blog about being single. 

Good point! Here's some back story:  

• Over the last year my love of writing has skyrocketed and many have encouraged me to throw it out there for a wider audience. 

• Christian singleness is often misunderstood. And if I can chip even a tiny corner piece off of this misunderstanding, this blog will be a success. 

• The more I understand your life and you understand mine, the more skillfully we can minister to each other as members of the body of Christ. (So fill my comment section with your observations and thoughts, friends!)

• And lastly, I love my single life (and sometimes I really don't) and writing provides a platform for you to keep me accountable in it. 

I interrupt this post to bring a picture of the the fall foliage down my driveway...

You're welcome.

Beth, you say, aren't you dooming yourself to a life of singleness by launching an entire blog about it? I certainly hope not. And I think "double threads: the weaving of two lives" or something like that has a nice ring to it (get it? ring?) when God chooses to make that change.

Got it? Good. And thank you in advance for sharing in these single threads.  

Beth

Coming soon: 
When you find yourself on the road less taken: A philosophy of singleness