Top eight things NOT to say to single women (and why)

A preliminary Q&A: 

~ Where'd this list come from? Mostly personal experience. And listening to other singles' experiences.

~ Why focus on single women? Because (although it's rarely talked about in my circles) I think the experience of single men is quite different. Weigh in on this if you like!

~ Why write this? NOT to bemoan the treatment of singles. And NOT to hurt. Trust me, much joyous, romping sarcasm has been cut from this list. Cut in hopes that the end result will be a helpful understanding and provoking to good works. Nothing else. 

~ no pics? I'm confident the subject matter alone will hold your interest. :) Except, I had to include this one. Don't judge. 

..............................................................................

1. You're single because you're too...

• Too picky/Too accepting. 
• Too dependent/Too independent. 
• Too messy/Too put together. 
• Too intimidating/Too passive. 
• Too mature/Too immature.

2. You're single because you're not...

• Not trying hard enough. 
• Trusting God enough.
•  Feminine enough.
•  Praying hard enough.
•  Healthy enough. 
• Godly enough. 
• Enough of something necessary 

Why not say these first two statements? It implies something is wrong with us. Most of the "too"s and "not enough"s are personality traits we can't change very easily, and (although they can run amok) many of them are God-given. As for the spiritual "nots", see #3.

Instead of making these statements, point us toward the mark we should all be pressing towards. The image we all should be transforming into. Point us toward Christ. And if we have glaring faults, point them out as you would to any other brother or sister in Christ. 

Not so they can be torn down like hurdles on the road to married bliss, 
but laid aside like weights that slow us down on the path of sanctification.

3. If you were content with being single, God would bring you a husband.

Paul's reward for being content in whatever state he was in, was not a different state. It was contentment. And a deeper understanding of God's strength in his weakness. Nowhere in Scripture do we find that passage into marriage is contingent on one spiritual discipline. It is contingent on God's master plan.

Do single women need to be challenged on contentment? Most certainly. Do this by keeping before us the all sufficiency of our God and His abundant resources for us. Assure us of His blessings for those who obey in this area. But don't assume that no husband indicates a grave lack of something spiritual like contentment. 

4. Because you're still single at your age, God has most likely given you the "gift" to be single for the rest of your life.

The last thing a single woman wants to hear is the proclamation that they have the singleness gift. It's like pulling a bad card in a game and everyone knows you're trying to get rid of it...it renders us helpless. And makes any prayers, desires, and possibilities for relationships suddenly sinful and disobedient. Because who would want to return a gift from God?

Understand that singleness, like marriage, is a gift. But, just like marriage, it doesn't come with a life time guarantee. 

Life changes. 
And God is not a one-gift God.

 So challenge the single in your life to take full advantage of the benefits of the gift of singleness that they have right now for the kingdom of God's sake. Because it may not last long at all. 

5. Ugh. my husband (insert negative comment) and my children (insert negative comment)

Realize that the single women in your life are keenly aware of the benefits of having a husband and the innate pleasure of raising children. And when marrieds bash these (whether to make the single in their presence feel more at ease or happy about their singleness or not) it destroys something beautiful. Please don't throw mud on this wonderful privilege! 

It doesn't make God look good or encourage us.

6. I'm sure God has "the one" waiting around the next corner...

Unless someone has the power to see into the future God has planned for someone else, this is probably not a wise thing to say. Why? It either generates a false hope (This godly person I highly admire says it, so it must be TRUE!) or spirals them further down the slope of hopelessness (because, in the end, everyone knows fortune telling is...well...bogus.)

7. If you would just learn to___________you would attract a husband.

• sew
• cook
• keep your home
• flirt
• dress well
• lose weight
• get your life 'in order'

Don't get me wrong. These are all admirable activities worthy of pursuit. (jury's still out on flirting though) 

The problem with these "if you would just....then this would happen" statements? They are so scatter shot. They run the gamut from personal hygiene tips to how to cook linguine. And most of them stem from how-I-met-my-spouse success stories. Which I absolutely LOVE to hear. 

But be cautious about retrofitting what worked for you into the life of someone else. There is no one-size-fits-all in God's master plan. 

8. You must be single because you don't have the same desire for physical intimacy as others.

This is awkward. I know. And yet this statement is implied or clearly stated to many singles.

Problem is, we can't see what desires swirl around inside someone else. We can't see their battles. And although I've met a few singles who say that they had no desire for marriage or its physical pleasures, they are by far the exception to the rule. For most, the road of emotional and physical purity is not a smooth one. And at times it appears impossible.

You can be a tremendous encouragement to a single by 

• Applauding their choices to honor God in this area.
• Assuming it is a difficult thing. 
• Praying regularly for God to give them victory. 

Trust me, if God's people do not give encouragement about purity, the Christian single (especially if they're out of college) is not receiving encouragement in this area. And they need it. 

.................................................................

If you have inadvertently said one of these statements to a single in your life, don't worry! We have pretty thick skins. And we realize that...

A) Those in our lives would never intentionally hurt us by what they say.

B) We must say things (probably all the time) that are just as hurtful and insensitive to the marrieds in our lives.

So don't let these 8 things make you avoid or tread softly around the singles in your life! Engage us in many and much conversation. We enjoy you and need you very much. But do be aware of and avoid these 8 verbal bombs.

And we will love you for it.

Beth

Coming Soon: Stop asking, Ok!? No really, there's several topics 'in the cooker' and I'm not ready to commit to one yet.