It may look like I'm shooting my own demographic in the proverbial foot with this post. But trust me, that's not my intent. This sarcastic list actually pokes fun at my own monster tendencies. (And was alarming easy to write)
ALSO, a dear friend who has asked to remain anonymous helped create this list. And no, that is not her pictured in the photo above. (because I know you were wondering that)
(Thank you, Anonymous)
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To become a single monster you must:
1.) Avoid at all cost any gathering or conversation where marriage and especially parenthood will be discussed. And if pregnancy ever comes up, retreat to sulk in the corner.
2.) Over analyze every detail of your sorry single life. Attending a party, at the grocery store, driving down the street, working your job, figuring your finances, laying in bed (or is it lying? Oh dear...) EVERY situation provides fodder for one continuous pity party.
4.) Do not let OTHERS forget that you are single and thus view all of life from a drastically different perspective than them. Remember, this perspective MUST BE VOICED during every conversation. no matter how mundane. Example:
Married person: Hey Beth! The other day I was blowing my nose when--
Beth: WHOA there. Did you ever think about how different my experience is blowing MY nose as a single? (launches into a 45min. monologue)
5.) Come home from EVERY public engagement to wonder how it may have affected your singleness in a positive or negative way. (Ack! I burped really loudly in front of that single! Now I'll NEVER get married. And so on and so forth)
not that I speak from experience or anything.
okaaaaay, moving on...
6.) Consider how different it would be if you had a partner to join you in ministering to others. Along with this, when worshiping in church, take careful note of those couples who snuggle up to each other. Stare at the back of their neatly combed heads and repeat after me:
"I.can't.do.this.so.I.am.very.very.sad."
7.) Banquet your eyes on as many romantic movies as you can, and observe how your love life falls woefully short of those sappy, soft music, fuzzy screen shots before the actors kiss at the end. Since this is obviously what reality is like, compare every friendship to this standard.
8.) Don't ever allow married couples to rejoice in front of you without making SOME kind of comment to draw attention away from them.
9.) Assume EVERYONE else is CONSTANTLY viewing you in light of your singleness. And carry that assumption like a big chip on your shoulder every where you go. Example:
Married person: Hey Beth! It's such a gorgeous day out, isn't it?
Beth (thinks to herself): When will this person FINALLY get over my singleness and stop allowing it to dictate what they speak to me about?
10.) Talk continually, read voraciously, and gather faithfully all the Biblical principles that apply to singleness being careful not to believe them and apply them to your life or the lives of your friends.
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Not a pretty picture, is it. But the truth is, singleness is not a hairy, bloated wart suctioned to our face by some smirking power of divinity. So why do we treat it like that?
Why do we...
- feel it needs to be immediately explained to everyone we meet
- allow it to dictate the what, where, and how of every action
- spend many anxious, teary hours trying to "fix" it
- constantly wonder if everyone is secretly staring at it
- assume it's the hidden reason behind all "bad" that happens to us
How do we acknowledge the reality of being single
without letting it dominate our lives?
My guess is there's not a "one size fits all" answer. But I will say this. Although I find very few Scripture passages dedicated to "single" instruction, I find countless pages of my Bible packed full with Christian instruction. This makes me think that God is much more concerned about my relationship with Him than with my singleness.
And I should be to.
Reality is, my singleness can change. As a garment it may be "put on" and "put off" even several times within my lifetime (think Elisabeth Elliot). But my Christianity is not like that. It is woven into the very fiber of who I am.
And when I make my singleness subordinate to my Christianity, I stop seeing it as ugly, embarrassing, or depressing. And start seeing it as a mighty tool for good in my arsenal of life resources. Like the other details of my life right now, I can learn to wield it skillfully for the benefit of others and the glory of God.
But, unlike the Hulk monster's temper--
my singleness doesn't need to call the shots.
And by God's grace, it won't.
Beth
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Coming soon: Who am I kidding, I don't know yet.
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