Sometimes I Want

Being transparent on a public platform has its dangers.

And being 'real' when it becomes an end in itself can wind up feeding the flesh more than it feeds the spirit.

With that in mind, today I'm going to write something that (Lord willing) will only make up a small, shimmery thread in the weaving of this blog. I'm going to share a current struggle. 

Sometimes I just want--

To be married.

And in marriage to find...

• A life partner. To share the little details of the everyday.
• A man to look me in the eye and say, "Beth, cry. It's ok. Don't bury it." Then give a hug much bigger than my own. 
• A sounding board. To give feedback after shared experiences. Someone I can ask, "what's your read on that? I'm not sure I'm seeing it correctly."
• A relationship where it's appropriate to openly admire. The freedom to build a man up without restraint. 
• A spiritual leader. To correct me. To teach me. To help me grow in Christ likeness. 
• Someone to defer to. No, really. A life that only has to defer to itself can get pretty mundane. 
• A life calling to vicariously take on as my own. Something bigger than me. Something that intrigues and excites me as I learn about it and my husband's role in it. 

So what do I do when I'm overwhelmed with this desire that God has (at least for today) said no to? Here's what is helping me in the right now: 

1. I acknowledge that the "want" is not sin. 

Because Satan whispers this lie and I blush to think how often I fall for it. This lie makes me feel continually guilty, and effectively wraps me in chains. A desire for marriage is not an evil sin though. It's built into the vast majority of us. And wrenching the spigot of this desire shut destroys something beautiful and God-given. 

2. I pray about it.

Talk it through with the God who created this desire and me. I pour out the longings and loneliness until my heart is clean empty. Pour it dry before my High Priest who was tempted in all points that I am. One who is touched with the feeling of my weaknesses. 

I pray before I run to a friend. Before I dial home (wait--do we still call it dialing?). Before I schedule a mentoring session. Why? Why pray first? Because NO ONE knows me better or loves me more than my Jesus. 

NO. ONE. 

3. I ask "what does my Bible say about this?"

Trust me. Often, the last place I want to be in this struggle is sitting down with my Bible on my lap. Are you shocked?

I think it's because the world is constantly in my face shouting "Just go for it! Caution be hanged!" So action seems like the right thing. And solving my problem the world's way, or grabbing the phone to whine it out with a real, live person seems like the best course of action. 

Not sitting. Not reading.

But before I reach out to others in my want, I've got to reach for my Bible. So (with an eye on how long-winded this post has become) let me share just one tiny but powerful passage that's instructing my 'want' right now. 

"Draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you." James 4:8

I know doing things the world's way is not worth it. I've seen others try and have yet to find it end in a happily ever after. I also know that I am to wait on God. BUT, I don't ignore the want. I acknowledge it. It's not sin; It's God given. I talk with God about it. First. Before anyone else. Laying it before Him til I have nothing more to say. Then I relax into waiting and...

 In the waiting I actively draw closer to God. Every time the want cries inside me, I take a deliberate step closer to Him. I add more (or simply more thinking) to my Bible reading. I make my lunch break a prayer meeting. I ask Him what more He would have me do for the body of believers I belong to, and I immediately act on it. I schedule secret praise and thanksgiving times with Him. And the list could go on.

 And as I do this, He draws 'nigh-er' to me. Allowing me to see Christ in more detail. To know the gush of His power and mercy full on. To see crystal clear the reality that this world is passing but my relationship with Him is eternal. Reminding me of the truth said so well in that familiar hymn phrase: 

"and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
 in the light of His glory and grace." 

And somehow in this 'light of His glory and grace' the things of this world-- this longing for marriage, this pining for a season that is not to be yet, does grow strangely dim. Don't ask me how it happens. But I know it to be true. 
...........................................................................

So there it is, folks. In all it's transparent 'realness'. My want.

And my Hope.

Beth

Coming Soon: Hast thou not seen? (A Thanksgiving post)