how singleness changes with age (what I know so far)

Single?

Welcome aboard this wobbling mass of humanity.

It's not this bad. Trust me. 

Our labels range from Career, People-in-waiting, Unmarrieds, Divorced, Widowed, A.V.A.I.L.A.B.L.E...

And a single could be anyone as young as 18 or as old as...well, let's just say as long as you don't have a spouse, you qualify for membership. 

Happy Birthday.  

However (as every single knows) there's a major flaw in lumping us all together under one label like this. Can you find it? 

(ok, so I was going to include a picture of me at 18 and 30 right here, but turns out I actually look pretty similar. Which is very unfortunate for this blog post. BUT just think of yourself at 18 and-if you're older than that-how much you've developed as a person since then. Moving on...) 

Yup. We change a lot (and so does life) in those few years. And along with that comes quite a change in one's experience of singleness. Today I'd like to share the three seasons I've gone through so far, and next week share the spiritual lessons I've learned from each. Enjoy!

The Easy Years

For a small portion of adult life (let's say 18-22ish), singleness is kind of assumed. Yes, you are old enough to be married, but no one really bats an eye at your relationship status. You date, you don't date. You want to date. You may not want to date. And that's fine. You go to college, you get a job, you move back home, you move into an apartment, you move out of the country....whatever you choose to do, you pretty much float along on this happy, sun-drenched tide of socially accepted expectations. 

The Stormy Years

After that, a single enters a kind of "no-man zone" (pun intended). Let's put that at 23-30. This is when those happy-go-lucky tides becomes a bit more rough.    

Questions break upon you like so many white-capped waves in the first half of this season. Why are you choosing a job over a family? Do you WANT to be single? When are you going to settle down? And the question most people think but would never ask: what happened on that happy tide of 18-22 that resulted in you being single now?

This stormy sea can be hard to navigate. It's no longer the (Christian) social norm for you to be single. And though the world accepts and at times applauds your singleness, they don't applaud the fact that you're not cohabiting or in an exclusive relationship. 

The latter half of these seas is marked by a growing silence. People wonder about you more than they question. The distance between you and most of your peers grows wider. You're no longer in the same social circles or Sunday School classes. Friendships change. Some for the better! 

The Quiet Years

What happens in the 30s? (insert picture of Beth feigning cluelessness) No really, I'm just starting out on these waters, but here's some observations:

I would call the 30s calm waters. To most around you, your singleness has become a part of your identity. Even to the single in this age bracket, the waters are pretty calm. Why? You're older. And hopefully wiser. More comfortable in your own skin. You know yourself. You should know your God. It's not that the struggles of single life have gone away, but you''re familiar with them by now. And you know that woven into those struggles are strong cords of more grace.

And that's as far as I go.

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Me hopes this post doesn't strike you as depressing or hopeless. I certainly don't see it that way. Probably because I know a bit of what's coming in next week's post, and I'm SO excited to share the lessons that filled each of these seasons. Be sure to stop back in then! (how's that for shameless blog promotion?)

Beth G. 

the sick, the physician, and the 40

40 is a staggering number. 

Not because it represents a fast-approaching midlife crisis.

Or the donuts I ate last month (joking).

Because, it's the number of hours I'm in a secular work environment each week.

40 may not always be the number. When marriage and family happens it will naturally limit that time. And jobs and callings can change. But right now, this is how I spend most my waking hours. So I want to do them right, you know? 

I was thinking about this when I read Matthew 9 the other day. Jesus is in Matthew's home eating with an unlikely crowd. And the Pharisees (apparently peeking in the window?) are greatly disturbed by this. But Christ's response to them is what held me captive: "It is not those who are healthy that need a physician, but those who are sick." For days this passage raged inside me like so much heartburn. Here's what I learned: 

1. Christ was intentional about contact with the world.

Did Christ have to eat here? Did He have to eat with these men? Nope. It was intentional. For some of us, our contact with the world may not happen 9-5 every day. But it should happen. The value of salt and light is found in their contact with their surroundings. 

2. He chose a familiar, comfortable setting to engage them. 

In Jewish culture, fellowship around a meal is a familiar, honored part of life. Reclining next to a table, eating traditional foods, engaging in prolonged conversation...this situation would have put these men at ease. 

A couple months ago, a mutual love of second-hand shopping led to a beautiful opportunity to share Christ. And recently, art has been a platform for Gospel conversations with one friend. Why? In each situation, the surroundings were comfortable and familiar to both of us. These are some of my 'dinner tables.' 
What are yours?

3. He didn't shrink from situations that included many. 

Christ wasn't intimidated to sit around a crowded table of strangers. In a crowd of people who were very different than He was. In a crowd that would have known He was very different from them. Probably because...

4. He understood who He was. 

He was a Physician.

Sick people were His life's work. He came that they might have life more abundantly. 
He came to seek and save. 

The blurry tilt of this world's crazy spin can cause us to forget who we are. And we're given so many other labels like spouse, parent, coworker, boss, friend, sibling, child, committee member--that it's easy to forget our most basic role:

We are Christians. little Christs. little physicians. 

5. He understood who the people around the table were. 

They were sick. 

He chose to identify them not by their social status, wealth, job position, political bent, response to Him etc. His vision had one filter.

Does mine? 

6. His interaction with them was governed by who He was and who they were. 

We may not know every word of that table conversation, but we do know the theme would have been "you are sick, here's how to be healed." Because that's what a physician does. He diagnoses and treats. He meets the sick person's greatest need: He tells them how to heal.

Life surrounds us with people who are very different from us. From our Christian beliefs and values. And our first reaction can be to fix the differences. To debate a conservative political position. To persuade to a more moral lifestyle. But in doing so, we can forget the actual source of this world's condition. Their sickness is rooted in their enmity with God. And there's only one remedy for that. The man Christ Jesus.  

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How do these truths affect my 40? Not enough. Not near enough. But I want to make the 40, the 5, the 30 minutes...want to make whatever time I have around this world count. Want to live intentionally, understanding who I am and who this world is. Interacting in a way that is bent on healing. I want to work the works of Him that sent me while it is day. For just as 40 will not always be the number...

It will not always be day. 

Beth

single conversation stoppers

You've all heard of conversation starters. Those tantalizing little sweethearts one flings into the air in hopes they will attract brilliant minds to engage in fascinating topics. But beware the conversation stoppers people unwittingly hurl your way as a single. 

To help you successfully dodge these clods, here's a few examples and some tongue-in-cheek responses that guarantee they'll never be thrown your way again. (and do hang on til the end, that's the redeeming part of this post)

Stopper #1: Isn't it wonderful when you're having a romantic night and...(interrupt)

Oh yeah, totally. The flying monkeys were hard to peel off the saran wrap on the polka dot jet ski, but we figured it was the least we could do...(stare off into the middle distance)

Stopper #2: So how many kids do YOU have?

I'm not sure...

I think.

Stopper #3: How did you and your spouse meet?

Well, I was in the produce aisle, and there were these stringy green things and I was like 'hmm, I should give these a try. And they were SO GOOD, you know? Food of the gods and all...Oh, you said spouse not sprouts.' (insert light, airy laugh and forced change of subject) 

Stopper #4: I mean when's the last time you had a moment alone?

Consider feigning a hiccup fit while your brain sifts through the countless moments you've been keenly aware of being alone in the last week. Consider doing this until they shrink away in amazement. 

Stopper #5: Where'd you go on your honeymoon?

Lift left hand up to your eyes and stare at your ring finger for several drawn out, lip-quivering moments, mouth the word nowhere then burst into tears and crumple into a fetal position.

And the Taj Mahal of single conversation stoppers:  

Stopper #6: Has your kid's poop ever looked like...

You're on your own for this one. 
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These conversation stoppers happen. So consider this advice.

For marrieds: Be considerate.

If you're meeting new people, tread carefully. Marriage and parenthood make a beautiful common ground. But there's nothing a single dreads more than for the conversation to assume they share that common ground with you. 

Realize they're single? Don't back away and avoid them. You have an identity that transcends your marital status. And so do they. If it's still hard to find common ground, consider pairing stories about your family life with questions about their life. Just avoid interrogation about why they're single and what they're doing about that. 

For singles: Be prepared.

Few people are trying to make you feel awkward about being single. They just assume because of your age/appearance/maturity that you're in the same season as they are. When that happens (and it will) here's how I've had to learn to respond: 

Pray about it. 

Really. Pray for God to keep sarcastic, hurtful responses from slipping out-- No matter how humorous or true they seem (see above.) Ask Him to 'keep the doors of your lips.' He will. And if this seems too hard, consider your heart. Our words reveal its content. 

Avoid the explanation trap. 

Like rushing into the details of your dating/almost/failed relationships. Or blaming your singleness on God or you. "Must have missed that boat, haha." or "guess God forgot about me hehe." A simple phrase like, "I'm actually single. So thankful for the life God has given me. How many children do you have? Tell me what you love the most about parenting?" is all that's required. And if marrieds want to know more, they will ask. 

Remember who you are. 

As a believer, your contact with others is not about you (Something I often forget). It's not about explaining the finer theological points behind your relationship status. Not about making someone feel bad and you feel good. Or justifying the reasons for who you are/what you're doing in life. 

It's about being kind to each other. Tenderhearted. Full of forgiveness. Keeping corrupt communication from flowing out. About building each other up in the most holy faith. Good to the use of edifying. Stirring to good works. Esteeming others better than ourselves. Loving your neighbor as yourself. And ultimately, it's about glorifying our Father in Heaven. 

Keep this focus in mind, and you will be on sure footing indeed. 
No matter how often the conversation starts or stops around you. 

Beth  

What National Geographic taught me about my heart

What was your favorite book growing up? 

I spent hours pouring over a bright red picture book of China. Can't remember when National Geographic left this hefty tome on our tiny front step. But for this little girl, that was one glad day. Blurry cityscapes and lush countrysides burst off every page, and I still remember the thrill of tracing my finger across the two page spread of the Great Wall of China. 

The most fascinating image? That was the terracotta soldiers guarding the tomb of China's first emperor, Qin Shi Huang. Row upon row of clay statues stretching as far as the eye could see. My head would bend low over these pictures for long, quiet moments. Straining to see each uncanny, human expression and every worn detail on their chiseled weapons.

But eventually, this great army of identical frowns and hair buns would blur and become one mass on the page. The work of searching out each soldier would become too much. The strain of examination would exhaust me. 

Idols, like those terracotta soldiers, can blend into the landscape of my heart.

They have skillfully wrought facades making them appear strikingly similar to pure desires and loves that live there. And often, it's not til these cunning idols get knocked over and crumble that I become aware of them. 

Like when some expectation goes unmet, leaving me mopey for days. Or when a good friend gets engaged, and my life dissolves. Or a healthy change in diet leaves me unable to think of anything but junk food for weeks. Or...fill in your own idols and how they topple. It happens.

And that's when we realize these things have reached a "worship status" in our hearts
that they never should have. 

I hate this. The thought that I have started to worship something other than God. But searching my own heart never works well. Is this desire pure? What are my motives for this action? Who/what is being worshiped in my heart other than God? Then just as my limbs would weary from sitting cross legged and staring at those glossy pages, I grow exhausted from asking these questions. It's too hard. Who can know it?

And rows of idols can crowd the heart. 

Suffocating close. 







David was keenly aware of "any wicked way" taking up residence in his heart. And He realized the testing of his heart must ultimately be a Divine work. A work done as he was careful to meditate on and apply God's law. He prayed Search me, O God. Try me. Know my ways.

Only the searchlight of God's Word can reveal the true condition of my heart. 

So if the responsibility for 'trialing' my own heart doesn't rest on my own shoulders, what is my role?  

Be in this Word.

As much as possible. The teaching, reading, talking, thinking, hearing of it. Be creative. Grow in your contact with it. The more you bask in its light, the more your eyes will see wicked ways. 

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As the years went by, my China book was gently closed, slid back on the shelf, and forgotten. But the Word of God cannot be so handled. An idol free heart must be a heart glowing with the Word of God. 

May we find an endless fascination in pouring over its pages. 

Beth

I wish I could tell marrieds: newlywed edition

We are PLEASED as punch (or should be) that you have found your best friend. 

And now you are living with them and have your home together. But as the honeymoon euphoria wears off, be sure to remember us. We were friends as singles and would love to maintain that friendship. It's gonna change. We know that. Just remember we are still here and you are highly valued. 

We are THRILLED (or should be) for your new found love life. 

And we know you are bursting with its joys and awkwardnesses. But please please PLEASE be cautious about sharing these personal details with your single friends (or within earshot of them). No matter how close we are with you, we shouldn't know about that part of your life. Trust me. 

We are REJOICING (or should be) for all of the beautiful home goods you have received as shower and wedding day gifts.

And we know these things are uber important to starting your new home. But understand that (especially for women) they are a glaring visual of the difference between married and single. It'll be difficult to gush over the details of your fine china or the glistening KitchenAid sitting on your counter without feeling a bit left out. So, what if singles are coming over? How do you handle those new, hand-picked, beautiful things? Don't stuff them in the nearest linen closet. Just be kind. And aware.

We are DELIGHTED (or should be) over your new license for physical contact. 

And most of us can't even imagine the joys of sitting on a lap or entwining limbs in public with the person we love. But if there are singles at your movie night parties or Saturday picnics, realize that flamboyant physical contact is going to make it awkward and perhaps a bit humiliating for us. Make tact and restraint your friend in public and we will heap mounds of blessings on your head. Mounds.

We are AMAZED (or should be) at how God led you and your spouse together in such a beautiful way.

And can see His hand so clearly in that. But please remember that He has also given us His best right now. Fight the urge to look on us with eyes of pity and sadness. Do battle with the desire to pair us up as quickly as possible with any available specimen so we too can enjoy your newly found bliss. We'd love help finding the right one, but our lives are not the doom and gloom your newly married perspective may see them as.
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A few years ago, one newly-wed couple had a standing invitation for me on Sunday afternoons. They were careful not to fall over each other while I was in their home. They prepared amazing Sunday dinners and used their beautiful wedding gifts to treat me like an absolute queen. They were so thoughtful and intentional in how they ministered. I'll never forget it.

All of this for A SINGLE!? Someone that can't speak intelligibly about the horrors of wedding planning, joys of fine china, and pleasures of honeymooning? *GASP* Perhaps it was a waste. A barely tolerable invasion into their highly valued privacy.

But to me? It was a beautiful display of using the advantages of marriage for the glory of God and His kingdom. What would I tell newly weds? As soon as possible, do this. And me thinks all this other advice will fall into place.  

Beth 

Curious about the other posts (ok, post) in the "I wish I could tell marrieds" series? Click Here