if you're single, do this (a visual guide)

I'm always looking for things to rejoice over. Things unique to this single season. 

So, as I've done previously, today I'm sharing another list of those things. They're not meant to make marrieds feel badly or singles feel "gloat-y." And some of them are just silly. But since I'm attempting to grow in how to leverage these blessings to minister to those around me, you'll find some more practical ways to spread the joy in this list too. And some random pics thrown in just to keep you scrolling. 

If you're single, do this:

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Sleep 

Some married friends told me once, "Beth, when we go to the downtown Farmer's Market early Saturday morning, it's because our kids wake up that early, and we've got to do something to keep them entertained. But who do we find when we get down there? All our single friends! And we're like, 'what are you DOING here? You could be sleeping!' " 

So take their advice, and as a single, get enough sleep. Make it a priority to care of your body this way. It's easy to get pulled so many directions that this gets cast aside. But we will be most useful to God and others if we are good stewards of our bodies. And it's our privilege as singles to be able to carve out that time in life right now. Do it! 

Decorate with breakables 

If you like them. Or have them. (Or your housemate has gorgeous ones), display them! It's a unique to single- and-no-children-privilege. Settle in and make your living quarters a reflection of what you love. (just be ready to move things to a higher shelf before you entertain) 

Revel in the bedhead

Like this little sweetheart I found growing out of my head when I woke up a few months ago. Why is this a single thing? No reason, really. I guess you just don't have to worry about scaring loved ones so bad they run screaming into the nearest wall first thing in the morning. 

buy cool stuff in small portions

Like this watermelon labeled "personal melon" at the grocery the other day. It drew this marketing sucker to it like an ant to a jelly sandwich, and I couldn't resist! Beth-sized! So buy things like food, home supplies, toothpaste...in small awesome packaging if you like. It's your privilege. 

Eat take out (or simply, out) 

Like this picture of the amazing Cuban take-out that's a staple in my home. You're single, and eating out as "one" is pretty reasonable. So (if you're like me) and you enjoy eating out and not cooking after 8hrs of work, do it. And consider asking out another single, or a small family as the budget allows. Or offer to bring a "splurge item" to a meal at a family's home. A single budget can have more flex room for this kind of thing. It's your privilege! 

Soak up friend time

God has blessed me with an amazing and ever-increasing gaggle of friends. And in a normal week I meet with many them individually and in various combinations. 

This contact is intentional. We love getting together to do diverse and sundry awesome things. But I'm oh so aware that my married friends do not do this. They can't minister (and be ministered to) by friends as easily as a single can.

So use this freedom to it's greatest advantage: Plant as many seeds of kindness, goodness, mercy, joy, peace...in the soil of your friendships as you can every week. The impact is powerful. And you'll be blessed in return. It's your privilege. 

Enjoy quiet 

We are all commanded to "be still, and know" that God is...well, God. But as singles, it's a bit easier for us to carve out quiet times for that most sacred task. The demands on our lives are legion, but they don't come in the form of children and spouse in our very homes right now. This is unique to our season of life. 

So, as I was challenged to do many moons ago (and I'm still working on implementing), find those pockets of time in your single life and bend them into times of worship. Enjoy the quiet in the best possible way it could be enjoyed. It's your privilege. 

Travel 

Save up those vacation days or "in-between" times. Sky's the limit for how you use them. 

Like my friend who's in between education and the next step, so she's taking her talent in graphic design out West to use it in local churches.  

Another single I know takes their vacation time every summer to visit different missionaries her church supports. 

Another friend? He's put his career on hold and  traveled with an evangelistic team. 

Fact is, singles can lift up roots and travel somewhat easily. We're some of the most movable pieces on the board of life. Glory in the move-ability. Leverage it for ministry. It's your privilege.

If you're single, rejoice!

And do these.  

Beth

the Food Network and Faith

I am a Food Network junkie. 

Something about that mix of competition, personalities, and food keeps me glued to the screen during shows like Chopped and Next Food Network Star. (Or at least kept me glued while I had free cable.)

My brother in law, Brian, shares this fascination. And while I watch with shallow brain waves and watering mouth, he takes it to the next level. This level includes keen observations about human nature like this one:

"Beth, almost always when there's a contestant, their mantra is the same...

'I must win this for (insert specific people group.)
MUST succeed so they will be inspired to do the same.
MUST win for all those looking up to me for their worth...' "

As if the rise and fall of humanity rested on their flour- dusted shoulders.

There is some truth to that, though. We all watch athletes, musicians, actors, politicians...so closely that they can shape what we wear, say, buy, love, hate, think...But, is it ever right for a Christian to have their lives so affected by others?

As I thought on this (perhaps on commercial break) Hebrews 12 came to mind:

Seeing we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, Fixing our eyes on Jesus...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Aha! Those who have gone before are supposed to affect my own faith in some very concrete ways. So what happens as I see and consider their example?

I'm motivated to lay aside sins and weights.

Every. one. Not all weights are evil, but they slow me down on the path of righteousness. Tangle up my thoughts and resources. And some are sin. But they all encumber as this version puts it. And they aren't there by accident. Truth is, they're in my life because I love them.

But when I consider Hebrews 11, the value of those sins and weights shrinks minuscule. The rich rewards for those who by faith obeyed, and more importantly, the sheer brightness of God's favorable disposition towards them, motivates me to cast off all that hinders me from basking in that light myself.

I'm motivated to run my own race with endurance.

Against phenomenal odds, outrageous predicaments. Against the very laws of nature and common logic the men and women of Hebrews 11 endured. Pressed on in obedience. Pressed through. As if they were confident of something they couldn't even see. And each endured on their God-ordained race: not one character whose life looks like the other. These imperfect, individual people endured in the running.

If that's true, then by faith so can I.

I'm motivated to focus.  

Weariness. Losing heart. We've all been there. Perhaps we are there. The life of faith is not akin to skipping slow motion through a sun-drenched, flower-filled field of luxury after all. Oh, perhaps we could handle an occasional casting off of weights, or enduring for a sprint of time, but the keeping on of these things? Not likely.

The author of Hebrews predicted this. So he saved the strongest example for last: the One at work behind each witness in the preceding chapter. He points to Christ. One who endured the full spectrum of this world's hostilities and encumbering temptations successfully. In the casting off, in the enduring, focus your eyes on this.

Fix your eyes on Christ.

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And on and on it goes. One mighty audience growing larger every day. Like the seats of a vast stadium filling up higher and higher. Spiraling out. Spiraling Heavenward. Row upon row of those who have gone before and those who have followed-- affected by their faith.

So don't stop considering those who have gone before. Let their lives affect your own faith. Motivating you to cast off, endure, and focus on Christ. For just like those frenzied, anxious contenders on Chopped have no idea that my brother-in-law and I are staring slack-jawed at their performance...

You never know who is watching.

singleness and age (part 2)

Recently, I posted about how singleness changes with age. This is part 2 in that series where I share the lessons I've learned (or am learning) in each phase. This post is my most favoritest yet! Ironically, it's also the longest. So bear with me. And enjoy!

The Easy Years: 18-22

1. Don't limit God by your expectations

Diverse. Concentrated. Pure adventure. Breathtaking. These describe my years after college. But until my Junior year, I had a bag full of expectations that God had yet to begin to fulfill. Panic and frustration became the norm in my heart until a preaching service that left me saying: "Lord, I'll stop writing my story. You do it your way. Your time." That was not a superman Christian thing. That was grace. 

And that was something I've had to repeat, um...repeatedly since then. But if I had clung to my bag of expectations I would have missed out on the first 5 words of this section. And a whole lot more. 

2. Stockpile God's goodness

It's was so obvious during those years. He led me to life-long friends. Provided for me to learn what I loved. Surrounded me with professors and mentors that were on my side. And don't forget that unique-to-youth grace to pull all-nighters and still function somewhat rationally. (note: this will not always be the case.) 

So soak it up. Stockpile it. Write this goodness down, give a steady stream of testimony about it. And see the blessings as coming straight from your Father of light. Because they are. 

3. Beware the 'your path must be my path' trap

I spent way too much time peering down others' paths in this season of life. A lot of slack-jawed amazement at classmates who knew their entire life plan and had broken it into bite-sized pieces. I wanted to buy their app. Implement their program. But God's will was never meant to be retro-fitted. Its perfectness is displayed in its diversity. If I acknowledge the Lord in all my ways, and He's going to direct my path. Let Him. 

The Stormy Years: 22-30

1. Unpack God's goodness.

All that stockpiled goodness from the easy years? Start unpacking it. Remember each time you saw Him provide. Give you the desires of your heart. Direct your steps. Use you in ways you never thought possible. Remember how He mended your broken heart. Gave you strength for that day and bright hope for tomorrow. Remember the Scriptures that left an imprint on you that still remains. 

Then remember this: He is the same today as He was yesterday. The. Same. And as you glance ahead at a tomorrow you didn't predict, take no thought for it. He will be the same then too. 

2. Strengthen relationships (both family and church)

Most likely, your parents didn't expect your singleness. Talk to them about your life right now: how you have grown/want to grow, what your struggles and victories look like. Don't avoid them. Don't stop honoring. Grow together in this new phase of life. It will steady you.

Church as a single can be awkward. We don't fit into the groups our peers are in. Don't write it off because of this. Invest yourself in relationships that span every people group in your local church. Just like financial investing, it will cost you something, but can reap tremendous rewards. Nothing has rooted me more firmly in truth (at a time when it's easy to drift) than my local church. Don't forsake the pillar and ground of what you need most. 

3. Learn to spot the bitterness root

What starts with quiet-moment thoughts, and tiny seeds of sarcastic humor will not stop there. Watch out: fed by a fluctuating friend environment, this root has all the nutrients it needs to spring up with rapid force. Don't ask me how I know this. And don't be fooled: bitterness never does anything but defile. Examine yourself. Watch carefully. Have no mercy. 

The Calm Years: 30+

1. Don't settle into always.

It's real easy to do. To start thinking: "ho hum. Life will always be like this..." Never's and No's, Not-for-me's and I-don't-THINK-so's can sneak into my thinking before I realize it. 

But who knows the good works that God has ordained us to walk in? It's probably not even entered your mind what He has prepared for you who love Him. Who can tell what He'll bring into our tomorrow? It's gonna be good. So don't settle in. Reach out. Reach up. And be ready. 

2. Live by what has been given, not withheld

As we age, the things that have been withheld increase as much as those that have been given. That's reality. And today, I'm going to view life through one of these two lenses. Keep in mind, the only lens with a Divine prescription is the first. Focus in on the all things you have for life and godliness. You'll find them all around you. And you'll find them more than enough. (preaching this to myself even now...)

3. Don't shrink from making disciples

You've been single for a while. What has God taught you? What have learned about Him? What Scriptures lift you from those depths of "when all around my soul gives way" to the heights of "He then is all my hope and stay"? That is the stuff of discipleship. And those in the easy and stormy years need to hear it. 

What if I have past/current struggles? Oh, I know. But combat doesn't disqualify a soldier. God has called us to be soldiers. He's given us armor. Told us to fight the good fight. To expect tribulation. Told us there's victory through Jesus Christ our Lord. The battle is not the sin. It's what we do in the struggle that counts. 

What of my history of defeat and entanglement? Confess and forsake it. Then forget those things behind you and press on toward the mark. A righteous man is known for his getting up again, not his perfection. And he who is most familiar with the battle can be most effective in training others for it. Don't shrink from the privilege of discipleship. I think satan is very pleased when we do. 

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Congratulations! You made it through. And if you have a moment, please share what you are learning in the phase of life you're in now. I am eager to hear!

Beth 

special edition: what to do with single women on Mother's Day

I love Mother's Day. 

If it had a smell, it would be homemade pancakes and syrup. A touch? The soft hair at the nape of her neck that I would run my hands through as she read aloud from A. A. Milne and Tolkien. If it had a sound, I think it would be something Mendelssohn. A look? Her liquid blue eyes staring straight into mine and knowing. 

BUT outside the mothers we celebrate, this Sunday can be kind of tricky. What about marrieds who don't have children? Those who've miscarried or experienced the death of a child? And what about those single women sprinkled around you? In this age of rampant inclusivism, this day's a tough one for sure. 

I still remember the onslaught of articles on my Facebook feed last year at this time. Most of them bemoaned the injustice of focusing on typical mothers to the neglect of women who, for some reason or another, didn't fit neatly into that category.

I can't speak for most of these women. Have no idea about their struggles, grief, and experiences. But, from my single woman orbit that whirs slightly outside the typical, here's my perspective. How to respond to single women around you on Mother's Day? 

Let us rejoice. 

We want to rejoice with the mothers around us. We want to honor you, and hold you high for your life of sacrifice, for your high calling of training up children in the way of the Lord, for your incredible stamina and practical love. As fellow women, we notice it. And we can only imagine what it costs you. We want to point you out, and applaud you loudly. We love you, and your families. 

I'll be honest, there may be moments this Sunday when we're going to work hard at keeping teary, woe-is-me, left-out, I-want-to-mother-too, why-isn't-there-national-single-woman-day thoughts at bay. Working hard because we know those thoughts are not of faith. They rage against the very foundation of who our God is. 

But there's no need to employ some form of linguistic gymnastics to squeeze us inside the celebration spotlight. I've never seen it done well. It's ok to simply respond graciously to our applause. Really. 

How? I mean how can we all be fine with a day that will naturally include and exclude women all around us? How can it be ok? 

Because this: The same amazing, all sufficient, never ending flow of abundant grace that is ever available to you as you mother (yea, that you find new every morning), is the same flow available for us in our God-given role as singles right now. Trust God's grace. Trust that we are experiencing its rich fullness. Relax into believing that God has provided more than enough of it for you to mother. More than enough for us to single. More than enough grace to...

Rejoice with those who rejoice.

Beth