anticipating 2015 and beyond

New Year's here!

Tis the season of anticipation. And many are the goals, hopes, and plans for 2015...at least if my facebook page is any predictor. 

But for me, anticipation is a guilty pleasure every day of the year. Whether it's going to an event, an upcoming vacation, hanging out with friends, cup of decaf after work...ANYTHING. I want to know about it before hand. The anticipation actually trumps the event for me most times. I savor it. 

This addiction can have an ugly underbelly though. Like when ringing in the new year gets me thinking about what singleness may look like 10, 25, 40 years from now. And I start anticipating...

• The possibility of never having my own family. 
• The death of a loved one without the support of a spouse.   
• The day when I will fall, become violently ill, break a bone, find an antediluvian- sized arachnid...while alone in my home.  
•  Supporting myself financially as I age. 
• Who will care for me when I grow old and can't live by myself.

I start to predict a life that, if it maintains its current path, will lead me near horrifying and gloomy possibilities. But is anticipation even Biblical? I recently asked myself this question and (though worthy of deeper study) here's a few of my conclusions:

1. I can anticipate grace. 

The whole of Scripture sings this song. Grace always in all things. in every possibility, at every age. Sufficient in every way that I am deficient. Grace to obey and to act as God's child. More grace. Heaps of  'grace upon grace' as John 1 puts it. 

2. I can anticipate God's loving kindness. 

God's Word says it. Says His loving kindnesses are new every morning. Says His steadfast love endures forever. No famine, or disease, or any person, or even death can separate me from it. How high are the Heavens from the earth? The reserves of God's loving kindness rise that high. Plenty and more for all my years.  

3. I can anticipate the provision of every need.

God will supply my needs in measure to His inexhaustible Heavenly resources. His children need not fear the possibility of begging bread. I shall not want. Consider how God sustains creation. How much more will He sustain one made in His own image? He knows what I need before I even ask Him.  And He will never give me something useless or hurtful.

4. I can anticipate that God will always hear my voice. 

His ear is open to my cry and inclined toward me to catch every word. All the time. If my path runs along mountains of loss, sheer cliffs of physical disability, unstable ground of feeble age...wherever these next years find me, it will always be within ear shot of my Heavenly Father. And He tells me to keep on keeping on bringing my requests before Him. 

But if, in this life, there are heartaches, weaknesses, disappointments that run so deep no words can voice them, the Holy Spirit will take up my cry for me. The triune God praying, listening, and answering all for me. Expect that.

5. I can anticipate an eternity of joy and rest with my Savior in Heaven.

Nothing can pluck me out of the hands that are gently and steadily carrying me there. Towards an eternity of no tears. Out of a clouded, dim understanding into a forever of face to face.  Let that sink in, friend. 

In this life there will be death. There will be a defiling of things and people. A fading of loves, wealth, quality of life... But take no thought for these things. There is a fullness of joy waiting for us in the presence of God in Heaven. Our inheritance there is imperishable and undefiled. It will not fade away. It's reserved for us. 

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So whether this new year appears chock full of bonhomie or bah humbug from your current point of view, place your anticipation on sure footing before you begin. Place it on the Word of God.

And you will not be disappointed. 

Beth 

Who is He?

Curious crowds will press in upon the manger this week.

They'll pack candle-lit services, Christmas pageants, midnight mass...
All clamoring for a closer look. All wondering--

Who is He? 

Then in a blink, they will drift away. Scatter. Finding more meaning in twinkling lights and stocking-thick mantels than this infant scene. 

Come--before they descend upon us. 

Come and bend close with me. Bow low and peer into this mean cradle.
And listen to me whisper: 

Who is He? I know.

He is my 'Let not your heart be troubled, believe in Me.'

My 'I will not leave you comfortless.'

My 'Look unto me and be saved.'

My 'Peace, be still.'

My 'Daughter, your faith has made you whole.'

He is my 'Do you love me more than these?'

My 'Your Heavenly Father knows you have need of all these things.'

My 'Will you also go away?'

My 'Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.'

He is my 'Thrust your hand in my side and be not faithless, but believing.'

My 'I go to prepare a place for you.'

My 'Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.'

And the list stretches long. My voice grows hoarse.
My heart swells and presses hard against its cage. Overwhelmed by this. 
This fullness of grace and truth. This God made flesh and dwelling among us. 
This beholding the glory of the Only Begotten.

Thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift.

He's mine.

Beth

Why Christmas stinks for singles (and church is the solution)

I really wanted to write an entire post about how difficult the Christmas season can be for singles, but my blog rules wouldn't allow it. And the more I thought on what gets me through this season, I realized my musings all had one theme. But first, for your entertainment...

Christmas stinks for singles because:

1. Roasting chestnuts over an open fire alone is called a hazard not holiday fun.

2. If I see another bunch of mistletoe, I will chew it up and swallow it whole.

3. A mantel hung with one stocking is just obnoxious.

4. Mounded plates of received holiday baked goods create more misery than merry as I try to stuff them into my mouth before they go bad on my kitchen counter.

5. Mistletoe is kryptonite.

6. Snuggling up to your sweetheart while caroling and looking at Christmas lights makes a whole lot of sense. Wrapping your arms around your middle and rocking side to side while caroling and looking at Christmas lights as one? Not so much.

7. Unless I am willing to invite two Christmas Tree Farm creeper dudes to travel IN MY CAR WITH ME to my HOME in order to unload a live Christmas tree... I'm stuck with artificial.

8. M.I.S.T.L.E.T.O.E.

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This list is intentionally lighthearted. But the truth is, Christmas is marked by togetherness. So it shines a direct, piercing spotlight on something that is already very attention-sensitive. We are not...well...together. We are single. 

What does the local church have to do with singleness bah-humbug? EVERYTHING. Here's why:

1. We will find a "together" that is unparalleled in its scope and beauty.

The church is a body. Each member (single or not) is necessary. It's fitly joined together--interconnected. A moving, living thing. When I'm with the body I realize I am useful and needed. Doesn't that hit at the core of us singles? Exactly. And in God's plan, its members are uniquely fitted to minister to me. Don't forsake the body of Christ. It's perfect togetherness. 

2. We will discover life (even holiday-crazy life) makes sense in its context.

The world dangles an empty package of togetherness at Christmas, and people grow frantic trying to capture it. To buy the emotional high and romanticized satisfaction of glowing trees, warm fires, presents...but they find it is not enough. It will never be enough.

David saw the glitz and glamour of the world's package too. But when he entered the house of God, he saw things as they truly are. He saw that the world's way ends in destruction. He saw the inestimable riches of knowing God. Don't let the local church take a back seat to sentimentality this season.The "Christ-life" was made to make sense in the context of the body of Christ. So be there! Don't settle for a hollow together.

3. We will remember that Christmas time is difficult for others too.

Glance around you this Sunday. Many in your body of believers enter this holiday season with health issues, financial difficulties, family pressures. There are widows and divorcees who are alone again. Young moms (though never alone) who feel completely alone. Other singles. Young children who will get lost in the holiday shuffle.

And then there's you. Divinely positioned as one. With the freedom to minister across all these dividing lines. So do it with abandon this season. Build up the body of Christ. From your own local church, gather believers in need around you and form your own together.

4. We will be confronted with truth that we need.

We forget it sometimes. What Immanuel means. Why the entire Old Testament built up to His birth, and the entire New Testament rests upon it. So sit under the teaching of your local church this season with ears that are ready to hear. You need what the Holy Spirit will say. You need to be reminded who Immanuel is. What it means not just for Christmas Day, but the 364 everydays after it. He is with you. You are together with Him.

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I realize there are larger and more important reasons to be in church. So add your own points to these four little ones. Then print it off and tape it to your bedroom door, the dashboard of your car, your kitchen sink back splash, the inside flap of your Bible...

And roasted chestnuts or no, be in church.

Beth 

When God's will doesn't look good

We've all had it happen.

Received something in the mail that didn't match it's picture in the catalog.

Like a sweater a gorgeous sunshine color online arrives at your door the shade of your Grandma's crusty, harvest gold oven.

Or that incredible bargain of a stainless steel kitchen gadget arrives as... a key chain.

How about that modern, streamline coffee table that showed up packaged in 52 unassembled, hopelessly contorted, shrink wrapped pieces? (thank you, Ikea) 

Unexpected. 

Sometimes my Christian life can be like that.

I hear the Bible stories, read the missionary biographies, follow current Christian heroes... But then I look at my own life and I can think: this is not what the flannelgraph looked like. So what do we do when God hands us something unexpected. Something that looks...well...ugly? 

Not long ago, I was sitting in church thinking about this when my Pastor began to read Matthew 26:39. The scene is evening in the Garden of Gesthemane. The night Christ was betrayed and condemned to die.

"He went away again...and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done." 

As the service continued, I kept thinking: How many times I have prayed my own whining version of this prayer! Here's what it sounds like:

                                                  This can't be the best cup.

It's too small. 

It has rough edges that hurt me. 

My cup appears less beautiful than what I see in others' hands.

I've had this cup for sooooo long. 

There is no way I can find joy in this cup.

It is defective, God.

It's contents? Bitter. 

Make it pass, Lord. 

take it away. 

In drinking something, we accept it into our bodies. We allow it to have it's intended effect. We submit to its control. That's what makes a cup such a beautiful picture of God's will. 

Now take a look at the next page in the story of redemption. Christ submitted. He drank. Even though the contents were bitter indeed. But this drinking? It brought life to countless millions. And for Him? High exultation and a name above all names.

And this scene; this drinking of a difficult cup, and unexpected good rippling out to encompass not only the life of the submitted but vast numbers of others, can be viewed repeatedly on the grand stage of God's work among His people.

• Think of Joseph. He submits and drinks the cup of slavery and imprisonment...and comes out as Pharaoh's right hand man observing this: "God meant it for good to save many people alive. " 

• Abraham. Submits and leaves the security and prosperity of his current life. A bitter cup for sure. But the result? This promise: "in thee shall all families of the Earth be blessed." As a college professor of mine used to say, "You and I are in that verse." So we see the astounding effects of this submission--this drinking-- are still rippling out today. 

• Esther. Submits to her role as a spokesperson for the nation of Israel. An undesirable, dangerous cup for sure. And God uses her to single-handedly save His people from destruction. 

And we could keep listing examples all day. 

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So I pattern the close of my prayer after the Divine one: "If Your will is for me to drink this cup, I will do it. I will esteem doing Your will worthy of delayed pleasure, hardship, a bitter taste in my mouth..." And in this submission, I forget how the cup looked so small, sharp-edged, unseemly...It's contents no longer make me cringe.

Because if it's His will, I see something co-mingled with the difficult. I see sparkling good for me. And (If the Scripture examples ring true) as I drink it, this cup will overflow in waves of blessing that cannot be measured. 

I will drink it. 

Thy will be done. 

Beth
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Hey! I've changed my format a bit for this week. Bigger pictures/wider margins. Any feedback? 

Hast thou not seen? (a Thanksgiving post)

You know the hymn Praise to the Lord, the Almighty? It's one of my favorites. And I think my favorite phrase is in verse 3:

"Hast thou not seen how thy desires ere have been

granted in what He ordaineth?"

And because Thanksgiving has me thinking a lot about this beautiful truth, here's my top ten "granted desires" list. 
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1. Growing up on the edge of a small Midwest town. Allowing much fort building, woods tromping, creek splashing, tree climbing, and rusty junk excavating for one little girl who came with a built in desire for all things adventure and outdoors. 

2. Living an empty lot away from a rickety, white-paint-peeling- off old house that had a constant flow of renters. Which perfectly met my desire for friends in the neighborhood (however sketchy they may have been). 

3. Church friends who owned horses and happily let me ride throughout the years. Satisfying my desire for all things horse in a farmland community where they were rare.

A terrifying fall off of one of these horses would lead us to discover I had serious scoliosis (at the perfect time in my physical growth when it could be corrected before it hindered me for life.) Amen?

4. The privilege to attend a young Christian college that was local church based. A thrilling meeting of my desires to learn Bible teaching and experience a wide variety of church ministries.

Notice the Greek room where all the magic and some unintentional heresy happened...

5. Being asked by missionary friends to come teach their children in Manila. Granting a long standing desire of mine to experience foreign missions and allowing for two years in South East Asia: a part of the world I love. 

6. Sitting across a desk at a Christian university and hearing "Welcome aboard, we're glad to offer you a GA position as you pursue your Masters in Counseling." Providing a rare opportunity for a debt free degree. And fulfilling my desire to "go farther" in education after two years abroad. (check out my aMAZing brothers who graduated with me!)

7. Watching God weave my four siblings (and their growing families) back into my life. Grown adults now, each pursuing a different life path, each converging for a year or more in the city where I live. Answering a rather unexpected but very real desire to draw on those dearest to me for support and love as I navigate my own course. 

8. Finding Beth-like homes in the last few years. (don't laugh! This is so important to me!) Satisfying my desire to live in "non cookie cutter" places where I can minister to others easily and comfortably crash at the end of the day. Proof that God delights to grant even the little desires. 

9. Praying "If this is the church you want me in, then would you do this, this, and this?" And seeing God answer those requests within 2 weeks of visiting my local church here. Granting my desire for a local body of believers that would become not only dear family to me, but also gentle, firm voices for good in my life. 

10. The fact that you are reading this. Fulfilling a recent desire to share on a larger platform what God is doing in my own life. 

Please, if you have a moment, tell me a few of your "granted desires" in the comment section below. I'd love to hear them! 

Beth

Sometimes I Want

Being transparent on a public platform has its dangers.

And being 'real' when it becomes an end in itself can wind up feeding the flesh more than it feeds the spirit.

With that in mind, today I'm going to write something that (Lord willing) will only make up a small, shimmery thread in the weaving of this blog. I'm going to share a current struggle. 

Sometimes I just want--

To be married.

And in marriage to find...

• A life partner. To share the little details of the everyday.
• A man to look me in the eye and say, "Beth, cry. It's ok. Don't bury it." Then give a hug much bigger than my own. 
• A sounding board. To give feedback after shared experiences. Someone I can ask, "what's your read on that? I'm not sure I'm seeing it correctly."
• A relationship where it's appropriate to openly admire. The freedom to build a man up without restraint. 
• A spiritual leader. To correct me. To teach me. To help me grow in Christ likeness. 
• Someone to defer to. No, really. A life that only has to defer to itself can get pretty mundane. 
• A life calling to vicariously take on as my own. Something bigger than me. Something that intrigues and excites me as I learn about it and my husband's role in it. 

So what do I do when I'm overwhelmed with this desire that God has (at least for today) said no to? Here's what is helping me in the right now: 

1. I acknowledge that the "want" is not sin. 

Because Satan whispers this lie and I blush to think how often I fall for it. This lie makes me feel continually guilty, and effectively wraps me in chains. A desire for marriage is not an evil sin though. It's built into the vast majority of us. And wrenching the spigot of this desire shut destroys something beautiful and God-given. 

2. I pray about it.

Talk it through with the God who created this desire and me. I pour out the longings and loneliness until my heart is clean empty. Pour it dry before my High Priest who was tempted in all points that I am. One who is touched with the feeling of my weaknesses. 

I pray before I run to a friend. Before I dial home (wait--do we still call it dialing?). Before I schedule a mentoring session. Why? Why pray first? Because NO ONE knows me better or loves me more than my Jesus. 

NO. ONE. 

3. I ask "what does my Bible say about this?"

Trust me. Often, the last place I want to be in this struggle is sitting down with my Bible on my lap. Are you shocked?

I think it's because the world is constantly in my face shouting "Just go for it! Caution be hanged!" So action seems like the right thing. And solving my problem the world's way, or grabbing the phone to whine it out with a real, live person seems like the best course of action. 

Not sitting. Not reading.

But before I reach out to others in my want, I've got to reach for my Bible. So (with an eye on how long-winded this post has become) let me share just one tiny but powerful passage that's instructing my 'want' right now. 

"Draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you." James 4:8

I know doing things the world's way is not worth it. I've seen others try and have yet to find it end in a happily ever after. I also know that I am to wait on God. BUT, I don't ignore the want. I acknowledge it. It's not sin; It's God given. I talk with God about it. First. Before anyone else. Laying it before Him til I have nothing more to say. Then I relax into waiting and...

 In the waiting I actively draw closer to God. Every time the want cries inside me, I take a deliberate step closer to Him. I add more (or simply more thinking) to my Bible reading. I make my lunch break a prayer meeting. I ask Him what more He would have me do for the body of believers I belong to, and I immediately act on it. I schedule secret praise and thanksgiving times with Him. And the list could go on.

 And as I do this, He draws 'nigh-er' to me. Allowing me to see Christ in more detail. To know the gush of His power and mercy full on. To see crystal clear the reality that this world is passing but my relationship with Him is eternal. Reminding me of the truth said so well in that familiar hymn phrase: 

"and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
 in the light of His glory and grace." 

And somehow in this 'light of His glory and grace' the things of this world-- this longing for marriage, this pining for a season that is not to be yet, does grow strangely dim. Don't ask me how it happens. But I know it to be true. 
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So there it is, folks. In all it's transparent 'realness'. My want.

And my Hope.

Beth

Coming Soon: Hast thou not seen? (A Thanksgiving post) 

How to become a single monster (in 10 easy steps)

It may look like I'm shooting my own demographic in the proverbial foot with this post. But trust me, that's not my intent. This sarcastic list actually pokes fun at my own monster tendencies. (And was alarming easy to write) 

ALSO, a dear friend who has asked to remain anonymous helped create this list. And no, that is not her pictured in the photo above. (because I know you were wondering that) 

(Thank you, Anonymous)
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To become a single monster you must:

1.) Avoid at all cost any gathering or conversation where marriage and especially parenthood will be discussed. And if pregnancy ever comes up, retreat to sulk in the corner.

2.) Over analyze every detail of your sorry single life. Attending a party, at the grocery store, driving down the street, working your job, figuring your finances, laying in bed (or is it lying? Oh dear...) EVERY situation provides fodder for one continuous pity party.

3.) Do NOT forget that you are single!!!!! Not for one moment. Don't even think about forgetting. To help with this, consider tattooing 'single' down the bridge of your nose.

4.) Do not let OTHERS forget that you are single and thus view all of life from a drastically different perspective than them. Remember, this perspective MUST BE VOICED during every conversation. no matter how mundane. Example:

Married person: Hey Beth! The other day I was blowing my nose when--

Beth: WHOA there. Did you ever think about how different my experience is blowing MY nose as a single? (launches into a 45min. monologue)

5.) Come home from EVERY public engagement to wonder how it may have affected your singleness in a positive or negative way. (Ack! I burped really loudly in front of that single! Now I'll NEVER get married. And so on and so forth)

not that I speak from experience or anything.

okaaaaay, moving on...

6.) Consider how different it would be if you had a partner to join you in ministering to others. Along with this, when worshiping in church, take careful note of those couples who snuggle up to each other. Stare at the back of their neatly combed heads and repeat after me:

"I.can't.do.this.so.I.am.very.very.sad."

7.) Banquet your eyes on as many romantic movies as you can, and observe how your love life falls woefully short of those sappy, soft music, fuzzy screen shots before the actors kiss at the end. Since this is obviously what reality is like, compare every friendship to this standard.

8.) Don't ever allow married couples to rejoice in front of you without making SOME kind of comment to draw attention away from them.

9.) Assume EVERYONE else is CONSTANTLY viewing you in light of your singleness. And carry that assumption like a big chip on your shoulder every where you go. Example:

Married person: Hey Beth! It's such a gorgeous day out, isn't it?

Beth (thinks to herself): When will this person FINALLY get over my singleness and stop allowing it to dictate what they speak to me about?

10.) Talk continually, read voraciously, and gather faithfully all the Biblical principles that apply to singleness being careful not to believe them and apply them to your life or the lives of your friends.
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Not a pretty picture, is it.  But the truth is, singleness is not a hairy, bloated wart suctioned to our face by some smirking power of divinity. So why do we treat it like that?

Why do we...

• feel it needs to be immediately explained to everyone we meet
• allow it to dictate the what, where, and how of every action
• spend many anxious, teary hours trying to "fix" it
• constantly wonder if everyone is secretly staring at it
• assume it's the hidden reason behind all "bad" that happens to us

How do we acknowledge the reality of being single
without letting it dominate our lives?

My guess is there's not a "one size fits all" answer. But I will say this. Although I find very few Scripture passages dedicated to "single" instruction, I find countless pages of my Bible packed full with Christian instruction. This makes me think that God is much more concerned about my relationship with Him than with my singleness. 

And I should be to.

Reality is, my singleness can change. As a garment it may be "put on" and "put off" even several times within my lifetime (think Elisabeth Elliot). But my Christianity is not like that. It is woven into the very fiber of who I am. 

And when I make my singleness subordinate to my Christianity, I stop seeing it as ugly, embarrassing, or depressing. And start seeing it as a mighty tool for good in my arsenal of life resources. Like the other details of my life right now, I can learn to wield it skillfully for the benefit of others and the glory of God.

But, unlike the Hulk monster's temper--
my singleness doesn't need to call the shots.

And by God's grace, it won't.

Beth
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Coming soon: Who am I kidding, I don't know yet. 

When the fog doesn't lift: walking through discouragement

I know it. So well. 

That feeling of walking through a foggy morning. 

The strange mixture of helplessness and anxiety that starts turning in my stomach. Familiar landmarks shrouded from view. Not able to see my next step. Slow, stumbling progress until my hand reaches some familiar object. 

And that rush of comfort when the adventure is over.
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We know how to walk in fog. How to maneuver with our hands stretched out before us, and mark our steps carefully.

 But how do we learn to walk in spiritual fog? 

In the dense, oppressive discouragement that falls and hangs about our lives obliterating the familiar landscape of every day and leaving us shuffling gingerly through the hours. How do we go on living when we feel numb and our energy and joy snuffed out by such a heavy blanket? 

I don't know.

I've trudged through spiritual fog for weeks at at time.

There is always a grasping first. Arms outstretched I fling myself at beloved counselors and friends. I hope they will place in my hands some spiritual miracle pill. Or give me some God-salve that, if applied three times daily will have me better in a week.

 But I am sorely disappointed. 

Man has yet to discover how to "stop" fog. It is beyond his control. And soon I find myself sinking into introverted gloom. Getting angry at those Christians who seem to jump ecstatically from one spiriual success to another like evangelical Tiggers.

Then during one discouragement fog a couple years ago, I curled up on my dorm room bed overwhelmed with embarrassment. Thinking: 

 "Here I am on the campus of this Christian university, in charge of undergrad students, involved in ministry. getting a degree in Biblical Counseling and, truth is, I don't even feel Christian anymore. I don't feel anything."

But as I sat there praying, I came to three simple conclusions. And these have helped me through many a season of discouragement since. 

Conclusion #1 Lord, you don't have to take me out of this.

I know, I know! Of course God doesn't have to have me tell Him "it's ok with me." But somehow letting go of my urgent sense of "It's your fault and you must deliver me now!" in this simple prayer, leaves me in a position of calm acceptance where there once was rigid straining to see the fog lift. 

Perhaps this is what Paul hints at in 2 Cor. 12. He came to the point where he stopped reaching for deliverance from his infirmity. And he actually saw that area of weakness as prime ground for God to showcase His power. Sometimes the best path lies across the most obscure terrain. 

So I learned to say it out loud, with arms uncrossed: Lord, you don't have to take me out of this.

Conclusion #2: Lord, I will not stop obeying You.

Shutting down. My knee jerk reaction to discouragement.

I stop reading my Bible because I don't feel spiritually alive. I stop praying. God knows everything already, right? And He doesn't seem to be doing anything about it. Going to church seems pointless. No one understands (or seems to notice) the fog enveloping me.Just. leave. me. alone. 

 But, God is my Father, I can't stop loving Him even if I tried. And I can love my God in the thick of the discouragement. I can do what I know how to do. And my obedience doesn't have to be contingent on His deliverance.

I obey, because I love, because I am His.

 And no degree of discouragement changes that. 

Christ asks Peter a stunning question in John 6: "Will you also go away?" Peter had just heard perplexing spiritual truth and had watched as many of his fellow disciples slipped away from Christ and "followed no more." Discouraging? no doubt. 

But he blurts out, "Lord, to whom else can we go? You have the words of life. And we do believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God. " He was saying, I will not stop following, even in the disappointment--even when I don't understand." 

So I learned to say it with an upturned face: Lord, I will not stop obeying You. No matter how long this lasts.

Conclusion #3 Lord, bring yourself the most glory possible through this.

God's ability to bring Himself glory is not hampered by my state of well being. 

But don't I need mountain top spiritual ecstasies and deep feelings of closeness and passion for my God to receive glory from my life?

 Not really.

What is it that God considers most valuable in I Peter 1:7? Success? A spiritual high? Perfection? The brilliant rescue from the trial? No, Peter tells us it is the trial itself that holds unfathomable value in God's eyes and ultimately ends in His glory as we respond correctly. 

So I learned to kneel in the fog and say: Lord, make the greatest amount of glory possible radiate Heavenward through this. 

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Throughout my life I've slogged through countless foggy mornings. They fall quickly and with unnerving power they slow life to a crawl. 

But they lift. 

And reality is that throughout our Christian lives spiritual fog will fall. For innumerable reasons discouragement will descend and blanket our senses and activities for days or week at a time. But it will lift. When? How?

I don't know.

I don't need to.

I will set my face toward Heaven and raise my three convictions with an open palm. The one who controls the fog will hear. And I can rest assured...

There will be comfort when the adventure is over. 

Beth

Top eight things NOT to say to single women (and why)

A preliminary Q&A: 

~ Where'd this list come from? Mostly personal experience. And listening to other singles' experiences.

~ Why focus on single women? Because (although it's rarely talked about in my circles) I think the experience of single men is quite different. Weigh in on this if you like!

~ Why write this? NOT to bemoan the treatment of singles. And NOT to hurt. Trust me, much joyous, romping sarcasm has been cut from this list. Cut in hopes that the end result will be a helpful understanding and provoking to good works. Nothing else. 

~ no pics? I'm confident the subject matter alone will hold your interest. :) Except, I had to include this one. Don't judge. 

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1. You're single because you're too...

• Too picky/Too accepting. 
• Too dependent/Too independent. 
• Too messy/Too put together. 
• Too intimidating/Too passive. 
• Too mature/Too immature.

2. You're single because you're not...

• Not trying hard enough. 
• Trusting God enough.
•  Feminine enough.
•  Praying hard enough.
•  Healthy enough. 
• Godly enough. 
• Enough of something necessary 

Why not say these first two statements? It implies something is wrong with us. Most of the "too"s and "not enough"s are personality traits we can't change very easily, and (although they can run amok) many of them are God-given. As for the spiritual "nots", see #3.

Instead of making these statements, point us toward the mark we should all be pressing towards. The image we all should be transforming into. Point us toward Christ. And if we have glaring faults, point them out as you would to any other brother or sister in Christ. 

Not so they can be torn down like hurdles on the road to married bliss, 
but laid aside like weights that slow us down on the path of sanctification.

3. If you were content with being single, God would bring you a husband.

Paul's reward for being content in whatever state he was in, was not a different state. It was contentment. And a deeper understanding of God's strength in his weakness. Nowhere in Scripture do we find that passage into marriage is contingent on one spiritual discipline. It is contingent on God's master plan.

Do single women need to be challenged on contentment? Most certainly. Do this by keeping before us the all sufficiency of our God and His abundant resources for us. Assure us of His blessings for those who obey in this area. But don't assume that no husband indicates a grave lack of something spiritual like contentment. 

4. Because you're still single at your age, God has most likely given you the "gift" to be single for the rest of your life.

The last thing a single woman wants to hear is the proclamation that they have the singleness gift. It's like pulling a bad card in a game and everyone knows you're trying to get rid of it...it renders us helpless. And makes any prayers, desires, and possibilities for relationships suddenly sinful and disobedient. Because who would want to return a gift from God?

Understand that singleness, like marriage, is a gift. But, just like marriage, it doesn't come with a life time guarantee. 

Life changes. 
And God is not a one-gift God.

 So challenge the single in your life to take full advantage of the benefits of the gift of singleness that they have right now for the kingdom of God's sake. Because it may not last long at all. 

5. Ugh. my husband (insert negative comment) and my children (insert negative comment)

Realize that the single women in your life are keenly aware of the benefits of having a husband and the innate pleasure of raising children. And when marrieds bash these (whether to make the single in their presence feel more at ease or happy about their singleness or not) it destroys something beautiful. Please don't throw mud on this wonderful privilege! 

It doesn't make God look good or encourage us.

6. I'm sure God has "the one" waiting around the next corner...

Unless someone has the power to see into the future God has planned for someone else, this is probably not a wise thing to say. Why? It either generates a false hope (This godly person I highly admire says it, so it must be TRUE!) or spirals them further down the slope of hopelessness (because, in the end, everyone knows fortune telling is...well...bogus.)

7. If you would just learn to___________you would attract a husband.

• sew
• cook
• keep your home
• flirt
• dress well
• lose weight
• get your life 'in order'

Don't get me wrong. These are all admirable activities worthy of pursuit. (jury's still out on flirting though) 

The problem with these "if you would just....then this would happen" statements? They are so scatter shot. They run the gamut from personal hygiene tips to how to cook linguine. And most of them stem from how-I-met-my-spouse success stories. Which I absolutely LOVE to hear. 

But be cautious about retrofitting what worked for you into the life of someone else. There is no one-size-fits-all in God's master plan. 

8. You must be single because you don't have the same desire for physical intimacy as others.

This is awkward. I know. And yet this statement is implied or clearly stated to many singles.

Problem is, we can't see what desires swirl around inside someone else. We can't see their battles. And although I've met a few singles who say that they had no desire for marriage or its physical pleasures, they are by far the exception to the rule. For most, the road of emotional and physical purity is not a smooth one. And at times it appears impossible.

You can be a tremendous encouragement to a single by 

• Applauding their choices to honor God in this area.
• Assuming it is a difficult thing. 
• Praying regularly for God to give them victory. 

Trust me, if God's people do not give encouragement about purity, the Christian single (especially if they're out of college) is not receiving encouragement in this area. And they need it. 

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If you have inadvertently said one of these statements to a single in your life, don't worry! We have pretty thick skins. And we realize that...

A) Those in our lives would never intentionally hurt us by what they say.

B) We must say things (probably all the time) that are just as hurtful and insensitive to the marrieds in our lives.

So don't let these 8 things make you avoid or tread softly around the singles in your life! Engage us in many and much conversation. We enjoy you and need you very much. But do be aware of and avoid these 8 verbal bombs.

And we will love you for it.

Beth

Coming Soon: Stop asking, Ok!? No really, there's several topics 'in the cooker' and I'm not ready to commit to one yet.